


The impossible choice

by RPGWarrior4824



Series: The Ripple Effect [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, F/M, Female infertility, Flashbacks, Hunting the Archon, Hurt/Comfort, Kett, Major Character Injury, Medical Inaccuracies, Pre-High Noon, Vomiting, Whump, implied surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2019-06-20 14:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15536412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RPGWarrior4824/pseuds/RPGWarrior4824
Summary: What if in Hunting the Archon Ryder didn’t just have two choices. What if there was a third choice. What if there was a way she could choose the Salarian Pathfinder as well as Drack’s scouts.





	1. The Archon's flagship Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beforehand I apologize for any language and spelling errors that I might have missed.

“Drack, anything you can do?” Ryder asked in the hope that _this_ kett will somehow listen to Drack. She pulled out her assault rifle.

Ryder heard Drack ordered the Behemoth, “Krogan! Stand down!” But of course, it didn’t work, because the Behemoth wasn’t a krogan anymore. Now he was a kett.

They were in the Archon’s chamber, luckily already having the relic. The salarians already fired the EMP. That only meant one thing. If they wanted to get out of there, they needed to hurry.

Peebee threw a Shockwave at a chosen and shot another one with her Sidewinder pistol. Drack finished the chosen that Peebee used her Shockwave ability on with his shotgun, and turned his attention back to the Behemoth.

“Drack forget it! It’s not working!” She shouted towards him. It was pointless to keep trying.

She Charged the Behemoth and use Backlash on him. But had to duck quickly and moved into cover. Charging the Behemoth did almost nothing. It was almost a waste. She looked towards Drack and Peebee who had their hands full, fighting the different types of kett.

She decided to focus all her attention on the Behemoth. If he was dealt with the other kett can be killed off easily. But that was easier said than done. She peeked her head out of cover and saw the Behemoth was closer to her than she would have liked. She pulled an Omni Grenade and threw it towards his direction. Then she moved to the cover to her right.

She shot him a couple of times with her N7 Valkerie. But after a couple of shots, the Behemoth stormed her aggressively and she had to run around the room to get away from him.

“This guy’s going to be trouble," Peebee shouted over the gunfire. She was sending a Shockwave towards him.

“Stay out of the way and give him everything you’ve got!” She was out of cover and while jumping by making use of her jump jet she shot him a couple of times with her assault rifle once again.

“These are my people they’re messing with!” Drack shouted, anger was visible in his tone.

Ryder couldn’t begin understanding what this might have let Drack feel. Using their own people against them. That’s just…she hadn’t the right words for that. So instead she said nothing, keeping all her focus on the kett before her. _On the Behemoth_. At this point, he couldn’t be far from being done with.

She switched her assault rifle for her pistol, and just as Ryder wanted to use her biotics on him again she heard Hayger over her comm, “Ryder, this is Captain Hayger. We detonated the EMP!”

“Yeah, we know!” She shouted. The Pathfinder team did a lot of shouting this past couple of minutes. She might have sounded a little annoyed, but in her defense, she was busy killing kett.

“Raeka is still trying to free the captives," Hayger replied.

“I wish her luck, but I can’t talk right now”, that was the only thing she could say. She only hoped that Raeka would make it out in time. The salarians can’t lose their Pathfinder. They’ve already been through enough.

“You sound busy- I’ll let you go”, he must’ve heard the gunfire in the background.

Just as he said that Ryder jumped using her jump jet to avoid being shot by a chosen and used Pull on that same chosen.

Drack used Concussive shot on the Behemoth, and when he was distracted enough Ryder Charged and used her Krogan hammer, and hit him a couple of times.

Peebee threw a Shockwave at him and shot him with her pistol. “Got him! Krogan’s down!” She said in victory. Being very proud of herself for throwing the punch that finished him off. “Sorry Drack”, she said as soon as she realized what she had said.

Seeing his fellow krogan killed by none other than one of his teammates couldn’t be easy. Even if that krogan wasn’t a krogan anymore.

Drack mumbled something that Ryder didn’t hear, and she threw her attention back to the remaining kett. There was still a couple of dozen of them left.

10 Minutes later Drack shot the last kett with his shotgun and it left a gigantic hole in the kett’s face.

“All right we’ve got the map- let’s get the heck out of here," she ordered.

“Don’t want to be here when those gun’s come online," Peebee said.

“The ark is still okay”, Ryder said as she looked outside. Feeling a wave of relief over her.

They ran towards the door but then Ryder stopped as she saw an ammo cache. Chances are very good that they will run into a lot more kett, and she didn’t know about Drack and Peebee but after that last fight, her ammo was running dangerously low.

“Grab some ammo!” Ryder ordered as she kneeled next to the ammo cache and grabbed ammo.

Afterward, they approached the door.

As soon as they exited the room Ryder heard SAM’s voice, “Pathfinder, a moment. I’m picking up krogan life signs onboard the ship. Several captives are being held not far from your location.”

That stopped her dead in her tracks. Taking in her surroundings. Seeing the tanks with the yellow liquids. In one of these tanks where the Behemoth was.

“They are scheduled for exaltation," SAM continued.

_Then we should get them!_

“Could be the rest of my squad," Drack said.

She wanted to tell Drack that they will rescue them. That they will get every single krogan out of here. But then she remembered the power. “SAM, do we have time to get there before the kett restore power?” This was one of those times that she was thankful for SAM.

“If you act quickly.”

They wasted no time moving forward. Fetching the krogan scouts. Until Ryder’s omni-tool pinged.

She frowned as she heard Reaka over the comms, “Ryder, its Reaka. I’m pinned down. Don’t think I’m going to make it.”

“Where are you?” Ryder didn’t waste any time.

“Near the holding cells where they’re keeping several of my people. They’re still alive.”

This didn’t sound good. “I ordered Captain Hayjer back to the ark," Reaka continued.

“You should be _with_ him," she said softly.

“I couldn’t leave my people- I had to try. And now. I think it’s over. From one Pathfinder to another…farewell. Reaka out.” Regret was heard in Reaka’s voice. Regret that she couldn’t rescue her own people in time.

This wasn’t a call for help. This was a call to say goodbye.

Ryder couldn’t blame Reaka for wanting to rescue her people. There is a possibility that she would have done the exact same thing if she was in her shoes.

Ryder led out a sigh. _No. This can’t be happening!_ She paced from one side of the room to another side. Trying to come up with a solution.

“There isn’t time to save both. Once the kett restores power you’ll be trapped," SAM said.

It almost angered her how calm SAM’s voice sounded. As if this decision should be easy. And not as if people’s life depended on it.

“Ryder…my scouts," said Drack.

This is what _she_ talked about, isn’t it? This was the impossible choice. _Her impossible choice._

She let out another heavy sigh and closed her eyes.

* * *

 

Ryder was sitting on a bench, admiring the view. She was waiting for Katherine, she was on the Citadel and they agreed to meet. Since Katherine has become the first human Spectre, she was always busy. She didn’t know what her mission was about, but there were some rumours. A news reporter interviewed her and asked her about her mission, but she couldn’t deny or confirm it.

Ryder didn’t ask, she knew better.

“Sorry I’m late," Katherine said as soon as she arrived.

Ryder pated the bench next to her, “Sit.”

Katherine had her N7 hoodie on with black pants. Her dark hair was still as short as when Ryder have seen her last. She placed her brown duffle bag on the ground and sat on the bench next to Ryder.

“How’s your mom?” Katherine asked.

Her gaze fell on the ground, “She’s getting worse.”

Katherine touched her shoulder, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Then Katherine opened her duffle bag and got a chocolate bar out. “Want some?” She snapped the chocolate in half and offered Ryder the one half.

She took it from Katherine feeling the smooth texture of the chocolate in her hand, “Thanks”. She studied the chocolate and then took a bite from it. Feeling the chocolate piece melt in her mouth.

“I heard that you lost one of your crewmembers," Ryder saw Katherine taking another bite from her chocolate bar. Her blue eyes not portraying any emotion. “I think he was Lieutenant Alenko," she said. Unsure if she got his name right.

Katherine was always good at not showing her emotions to anyone. Even the people closest to her.

Katherine gave her a small smile, “Yes Kaidan.”

“How…” She stopped, unsure if she should ask.

Katherine frowned, “Sara you know you can ask me anything.”

Ryder sat up straighter, “I heard that you had to make a choice. That you had to choose between two of your crewmembers.”

Katherine gave her a smile, but Ryder wasn’t sure what that smile had meant.

“How…how did you know who to choose?” Ryder asked.

Katherine looked straight before her, “It was the hardest decision I had to make in my life. And if there was a way to get to them both I would have done it.” She frowned, relieving the memory, “But a decision needed to be made. I knew if I didn’t make one, both of them would have died.”

Ryder knew she felt guilty. She knew that Katherine blamed herself. But telling her it’s not her fault wouldn’t accomplish a thing.

Ryder didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t good with this type of thing. “That must’ve been an impossible choice to make. I don’t know if I could’ve made a decision like that.”

Katherine was always someone who Ryder could look up to. She had a strong character.

The first human spectre held her hand, “You’re stronger than you think. Sometimes someone needs to make the hard decisions. The decisions no one else is prepared to make.” A human female with red hair and an Asari walked by. Chatting with each other.  “But I hope that you’ll never have to make a decision like that.”

* * *

 

 “Pathfinder, you need to make a decision," SAM said. This time through their private channel, interrupting her thoughts.

Ryder opened her eyes. She looked around her. Both Peebee and Drack waiting for her to make a decision. To choose who will be rescued. The salarians or the krogan scouts.

“No.”

“Did you just say no? Ryder you _have_ to choose”, Peebee said. Her expression on her face was serious.

Ryder couldn’t be sure, but it almost seemed like Drack knew what her plan was. As if he had read her mind.

“No, I don’t. I’m not going to leave _one_ group here. We’re going to rescue them both. I _refuse_ to choose.”

Drack approved of her decision. Peebee not so much.

“Pathfinder I advise against that”, SAM said.

“I agree. If we fail then all of us are stuck here. I do _not_ want to become a kett. I like being an asari," Peebee said. Making her case very clear. “If we fail-“

“Stop thinking what will happen if we fail. Think of what will happen if we succeed”, Ryder interrupted Peebee. Her voice portraying her optimism.

“I don’t know Ryder," Peebee was still not convinced, “SAM said we only have time for one of them. Not both.”

With this Ryder agreed. Time was the issue here. She nodded slowly, “I know," she said softly. She bit the right side of her cheek, “That’s why we’re going to split up.”

“Splitting up is never a good idea Ryder. Clearly, you haven’t watched enough horror vids.”

“We don’t have time for this!” She snapped at Peebee. They need to get going. “Drack, you and Peebee are going to the krogan scouts. I will go and find the salarians.”

Drack gave a firm nod, “Good luck kid.”

She gave him a smile, “I don’t need luck.” She looked towards the door ahead of them, “After you get the scouts go directly to the Tempest. Don’t wait for me. If the power comes back on, and I’m not there you tell Kallo to get the heck out of here.”

Peebee and Drack didn’t say anything.

She stared at Drack, seeing his yellow eyes. “Got it?” Ryder asked. She wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

Peebee took a breath to say something, but Drack spoke before she could say anything. “You’ve got it, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated.


	2. The Archon's flagship Part 2

It was decided. They would split up. Of course, Peebee was right. Splitting up is not the best idea ever, but it was the only way to get to both groups. Ryder needed to try at least.

Luckily the way leading to Raeka she didn’t find any trouble, but she knew it was coming. She saw Raeka standing in front of a door. She looked surprised to see Ryder.

“Pathfinder, you came!” She exclaimed.

“Raeka…I couldn’t just leave you here.”

The other Pathfinder searched the rest of the room with her eyes. Seeing no sign of Ryder’s squad. “You came alone?” She asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, my squad is getting the Krogan scouts.”

 “Ryder…I…," she stuttered.

“The Salarians _need_ their Pathfinder.”

Raeka wasn’t sure what to say, but after a moment of not saying anything, she spoke again. “Thank you. My people are at the end of the tunnel. It’s kett the whole way.”

“Then we push ahead and don’t stop for anything. Let’s go.”

They opened the door, and Ryder had to find cover. Shooting started directly after they opened the door.

“We have to push through," Reaka said as she and Ryder fought the kett.

“I’m trying”, Ryder replied. Reloading her assault rifle after she killed a kett.

“It’s that or die!” Reaka shouted back.

Drack was right. From the looks of how Reaka fought through the kett, she was half-krogan.

She used Pull on one Chosen, “Tempest this is Ryder! Do you copy?” She asked.

“I hear you Ryder," she heard Kallo’s voice.

“We have the map”, Ryder started, “But with the Salarian Pathfinder’s help I’m rescuing some prisoners.” She stopped as she reloaded her assault rifle, “Drack and Peebee are rescuing some Krogan scouts.”

“Those kett gun’s won’t stay offline forever”, Kallo said. Ryder was sure she heard the disapproval in Kallo’s voice. But that didn’t matter right now.

“I know! I know! Just tell me when that changes”, she used Pull on another kett, “And keep Drack and Peebee up to date!” She shouted over the blazing weapons.

“Will do," he confirmed, “Kallo out.”

With just being her and Reaka made things a lot harder. Ryder knew it would be harder. She knew they would have to give everything they’ve got. Deep down she knew that there was a big chance she might not make it out of here.

If she didn’t make it out of here, it would be okay. Cora would make the perfect Pathfinder. After all, Cora was trained for this, she wasn’t. She didn’t want this. Up to this day, she still didn’t know why her dad chose her. But if she didn’t make it Scott will have no family left. He will wake up to know that she lied to him about Dad. To know his own sister betrayed him. But the important part is he’ll be okay. And that right there is what mattered.

“We’re fresh meat. They love to cut us open”, Raeka said. Her words sent a shiver down Ryder’s spine.

All of a sudden she saw flashes of those recordings they found after they escaped the trap. Ryder decided to worry later about _that_ injection. Anyway, if she doesn’t make it out of here it wouldn’t matter, so why freak out over something that won’t be important in an hour’s time. She remembered those screams as Salarians was tortured. Their screams were burned into her mind. She’ll never forget them.

The Archon had records on all of them. Humans, Asari, Turians, you name it. They were way over at their heads with this. They had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

Ryder switched her assault rifle for her pistol and killed a wraith with it. Seeing a puddle of brown-green blood flowing from under it.

“Tight quarters. Watch where you shoot," Raeka warned as Ryder made her way to another doorway where more kett were.

“Pathfinder”, Kallo said, “That kett ship is trying to reset the power.”

This didn’t look good for her and Raeka.

“They’ll have the guns up in no time," Kallo continued.

“How are Drack and Peebee doing?” She asked in the hope that they’re already on the Tempest.

“They’re not here yet," Kallo confirmed her fears.

“Copy that”, Ryder said.

“Not much further," Raeka said as she shot the last kett, and they continued on to the next door.

At the next door, there were more kett. It felt that there was no end to them.

Ryder was taking cover but had to move before an Acedants energy beam hit her. It missed her by mere inches. Her heart beating rapidly. _No, it was pounding_.  Raeka moved swiftly ducking when she had to duck, and shooting where she needs to shoot.

Ryder shot a Chosen with her pistol and used Lance on another kett.

* * *

“I’m sorry. Ryder did what now?” Cora asked. Her eyes glaring into Kallo’s eyes. Ryder couldn’t be _that_ irresponsible.

Cora was on the bridge. Kallo gave her the news that Ryder and her team had split up. She didn’t agree with Ryder. This way none of the two groups might make it out. Ryder was reckless. _This_ was reckless. It wasn’t the first time Ryder was reckless, and it surely wouldn’t be the last time.

Cora sighed and rubbed her temple. Why did she go and do that?

Both Suvi and Kallo looked like children who did something wrong.

Kallo made a movement to speak, but Cora stopped him with her one hand. “How long till those guns come online?” She asked.

“We can’t be sure. But they don’t have long”, Suvi said.

“Ryder better make it out of there, otherwise I’m going to kill her!” She said more to herself than to Kallo and Suvi.

Cora and Ryder had a rocky relationship, not that Cora didn’t respect Ryder. She did. In truth, she didn’t think she would get as along with Ryder as she did, and she was glad that she and Ryder have gotten to know each other better. But when Alec Ryder chose his own daughter as Pathfinder, it did a lot more than sting for Cora. It felt like someone ripped her heart out of her chest and then stomped on it. It was strange for her. It was a feeling she never experienced before.

But as soon as she felt that, she felt a wave of guilt coming over her. How dare she feel that when a person had just died. What was wrong with her? Why did she feel like that? Being Pathfinder was just a job. Why did it hurt her so much?

Alec meant a lot more to Cora than she would ever admit to anyone. He was her mentor. She learned a lot from him. She also knew that Alec had regrets. He regretted not having a better relationship with the twins.

Cora just hoped that Ryder knew what she was doing.

“Alright keep me updated”, Cora said and before she turned around she saw a glimpse of Kallo and Suvi’s reaction. Clearly, they expected her to react differently. She headed to the door and it slid open and close again.

* * *

 

“Pathfinder the guns are about to come online”

She used Pull on a Chosen that almost shot Raeka. “Are Drack and Peebee there?”

“Not yet.”

She looked around seeing Raeka having her hands full, she almost didn’t have enough time to reload her weapon.

“SAM, there is a possibility that we won’t get out of here”, she didn’t know why she said that. SAM knew it.

“That is why I advised against the decision you made.”

“Where are Drack and Peebee?” She asked, ignoring his comment.

“They are almost nearing the Krogan scouts.”

She shot another kett with her pistol, “That’s good. They can get out of here.”

Raeka finished of a wraith, “We need to get going.”

An idea came up in Ryder’s mind. Maybe there was a way that one of them could get to the Salarian captives while the other one is dealing with the kett. It’s risky. But more importantly, it’s possible. “Raeka! Go get your people. I’ll cover you!” She shouted.

Raeka hesitated unsure if she should leave Ryder.

“I can handle it Raeka!” She shouted once again. She wasn’t sure if that was a lie or if it was her optimism. But the truth was it didn’t matter. She just needed to convince Reaka, she will convince herself later.

Raeka made herself ready to make her way forward but then turned around again.

“The guns are about to go online. If we aren’t…," she hesitated. Suddenly she felt a wave of guilt coming over her, but then she shook her head as if she was attempting to rid herself of the guilt. “If we’re not on my ship by the time those guns come online they’ll leave.”

Raeka nodded her head firmly as if she got the picture. As if she knew what Ryder had meant by that. As if she knew Ryder betrayed her. Then she took off.

“I’ll cover you!” Ryder threw an Omni-grenade at three kett who was standing nearby.

Raeka made a run for it. Moving as fast as she could. Ryder tried her best to cover Reaka, making turns with her biotics and pistol, until Raeka was out of eyesight.

* * *

“Can you run?” Peebee asked concern was heard in her voice. She looked up and down at the Krogan before them, attempting to study them. Making sure they had no visible injuries.

“Miss B’Sayle, the kett are close to restoring the ship's power”, SAM’s voice was heard.

Peebee and Drack exchanged looks. The old man must’ve thought about the same thing as she was. Or rather the same person. Ryder.

Peebee couldn’t understand how Drack could have agreed with Ryder. Are they really just going to leave Ryder back here? She wasn’t someone who…what was that saying… _grew roots_. But Ryder has grown on her somehow. How and why she couldn’t explain. Peebee was never someone who could stay in one place for a long time. But being on the Tempest was different somehow.

She knew that when the time comes that she decides to leave, it will be hard for her. She’ll miss the old man, she’ll even miss Cora. But the person she’ll miss the most is Ryder. She didn’t expect that the human Pathfinder would be someone she would consider calling a friend.

_Why did I let these people grow on me?_

“How’s Ryder doing?” Drack asked with a deep dark voice.

“The Pathfinder is currently fighting off kett. She told Pathfinder Reaka to get the Salarian captives.”

“So Ryder is fighting them alone?” Peebee asked, she looked towards the Krogans and then back at Drack. She was pretty sure she had the same expression that could be read on Drack’s face. They both worried about their human Pathfinder.

“It was the only way she saw fit to get the Salarians out of there”, SAM said. There was no hint of worry heard in his voice.

“And if the kid gets stuck with the kett the Salarians will still make it out”, Drack said, wisdom was heard in his voice. He understood why Ryder made that decision.

SAM didn’t reply. It wasn’t necessary for him to say anything.

“Tempest”, Drack said, “We’re going topside. Track for extraction.” He gave the krogans a signal to follow them.

* * *

 

Just when Ryder wanted to reload and shoot another kett, she realized she was out of ammo. She looked around for an ammo cache hoping that there was one.

 _No. No. No._ She already scanned the room twice with her green eyes and was just about to give up when she saw one. 

She made a run for the ammo cache, luckily her shields weren’t too badly damaged, or at least that’s what she thought at that time and that might just be the thing that saves her life. As she moved she heard gunfire all around her. Hoping to use her jump jet quick enough or ducking to avoid being shot at. Just as she arrived at the ammo cache she came across a Wraith. She got her Krogan hammer out quick enough and smashed the wraith with it as many times as she could. Until the wraith didn’t move any longer.

Filling her ammo as quickly as she could possibly muster and lucky for her, her dad was an N7, another factor that can save her life on this day and at this moment. Their dad trained her and Scott to reload their weapons quickly. She was the fastest one in her class in the Alliance. Never in her life was she as thankful for that as at this precise moment. But, the truth was she was alone. Nobody covered her six. Moments ago she had one person who could cover her six, but she sent Reaka away. And because of that she almost missed a kett, luckily rolling over to her right fast enough. Right into an orange energy beam that was sent her way.

And that was the last thing she remembered before darkness swallowed her.

* * *

They were nearing the Tempest. Guns were blazing between them and the kett. Peebee threw a Shockwave at one of them.

She saw Cora on the Tempest ramp with her weapon shooting at the kett that was behind them. But Cora wasn’t alone, Liam and Vetra were with her.

“Now! We’ve got to go!” Kallo’s voice was heard through the comm when she and Drack finally arrived at the Tempest ramp. He sounded slightly nervous.

“No! We’re not leaving Ryder here! This was _not_ for nothing!” Peebee shouted towards Drack and Cora. They were the only two in her eyesight. While Liam and Vetra kept the kett busy. She hoped they would listen to her.

Cora had a look of shame in her eyes, “I don’t like it either, but if we want to get out of here-“

“The Pathfinder has been injured and is in need of medical attention”, SAM interrupted. “The Salarian Pathfinder is on her way to her as we speak, but Ryder is currently unconscious.”

The three only exchanged looks. No one said a word. Each one of them had their own look of despair on their faces.

“I’ve already contacted Dr. T’Perro”, SAM continued.

“See? The Salarian Pathfinder almost has Ryder. They’ll be here”, Peebee said, trying to find the silver lining from this situation.

“Peebee”, Cora’s voice was soft. Almost caring, as if she was talking to a child, “That’s not what SAM said.”

“We’re so close Cora. We can keep fighting the kett till they get here.”

“Peebee those guns…”, Cora’s voice trailed off. “Ryder knew there was a chance she might not get out of here. The choices we make have consequences.”

Drack shot a kett with his shotgun. “She’s right”, agreeing with Cora.

“Please…," Peebee started to beg, pronouncing the word slowly.

 _What was wrong with her? Begging?_ Peebee didn’t beg for anything or anyone. The only person she cared about was herself.

Cora looked as if she was searching for something in Peebee’s eyes. Something that wasn’t there, “Okay…," she finally said, “We’ll wait for her.” She glanced over her shoulder to Drack and then to where Vetra and Liam were standing. “Be ready”, she ordered, “There will be more kett.”

* * *

Ryder heard gunfire from a distance. She wasn’t sure who shot who, but there was some gunfire involved.

 _Where am I?_ She wondered. A strong shot of pain in her stomach is all it took to make her remember. The orange globe has hit her. This happened before when they rescued the Moshae. But back then her shields took most of the damage, which meant that her shields were a lot more damaged than she thought. She groaned, it felt like her stomach was on fire, and at the same time that something was eating her stomach from the inside out. Every little movement hurt, even breathing. Then her back started to ache as well. It felt like her back had hit a very hard object.

She didn’t dare to look, instead, she moved her one hand to her stomach. Something wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right. She moved her hand away from her stomach, seeing red stained on her hand. _Blood. Her blood?_ Medi-gel. She needed to place medi-gel on her wound. But the slightest movement hurt her so badly.

“Ryder!” She heard someone exclaimed. Someone familiar. Maybe Reaka? No Reaka wasn’t here.

The person came into eyesight of Ryder. It _was_ Raeka! But she had a look of horror in her eyes. This must be bad.

Raeka shot at something. At what Ryder wasn’t sure. Probably at a kett. And then she kneeled next to where Ryder was lying on the floor.

“Pathfinder, you are in need of medical assistance”, SAM’s voice only made Ryder groan again.

“SAM…I…” Why was it so hard to speak? Never mind that. Why did it hurt so much to breathe? This wasn’t normal.

“Ryder try not to move”, Reaka said as she inserted some medi-gel to her wound.

Her answer was only a frown that Raeka couldn’t possibly see. Ryder couldn’t possibly move even if she tried.

When she was done she looked at Ryder again. Raeka had the same horror in her eyes. This meant that things were 10 times worse than Ryder initially thought. That’s when Ryder realized she didn’t hear any gunfire. Was the kett dead? Another Salarian came to her side.

“Take her left arm. I’ll take her right arm," Raeka said to the Salarian. She spoke almost as if Ryder was unconscious. Or rather as if Ryder wasn’t a person at all. As if she was an object that needed to be moved.

“No…”, Ryder said weakly. “Don’t…”, she tried. Then she took another breath and with that another wave of unbearable pain came over her, “You have to leave me…I…can't” She took another breath, “Please…just leave me…," Ryder almost begged. Desperation was heard in her voice.

“We’re not going to leave you”, Raeka said. “If it wasn’t for you, we all would be facing exaltation somewhere in the near future.” She continued, “Now we all have the chance to get away from here. Don’t waste this chance, Ryder.” Raeka’s voice was calm, “But we need to get going.”

Ryder nodded her head, but even that was an effort.

She had no idea how the two Salarians helped her on her feet. Her head was hanging. Losing consciousness and then coming to it again. Her eyes were on her feet. She was almost sure she saw little blood dripples on the floor. She was still bleeding.

Suddenly she started to see a type of ladder in front of her, and then darkness overwhelmed her again. How much blood did she lose?

Another mystery that Ryder would never be able to solve is how the two Salarians got her up to the ladder. But suddenly she saw air and some shooting. And then blackness again.

Then she heard a loud bang. A big gun. A _really_ big gun. Did the kett’s gun come back online? No that’s not possible. And even if it was, she told Peebee and Drack to leave if that happens. Peebee might have ignored her order. But Drack? He understood the necessity of her decision. He wouldn’t…would he?

She looked ahead of her once again, seeing the Tempest. Seeing Drack and Peebee shooting with their weapons. And others. But everything was blurry, she couldn’t be sure. What were they shooting at? Was there more kett?

“Go! Go! Go!” Someone shouted. They were near the Tempest ramp now. Getting onto the ramp was a challenge on its own, but they succeeded. They left Ryder standing next to a wall. All guns blazing.

 _The wall is my friend._ Ryder thought. Without it, she knew she was going to lose consciousness. She saw a blue figure approaching her. Maybe Lexi?

Lexi looked at her. Then Ryder realized she didn’t hear anything. Lexi’s lips moved but no words came out. She felt a wave of heat coming over her head, mixed with a kind of dizziness that she couldn’t possibly explain. The corners of her sight became dark. Her vision was blurry. Even more, than it was a moment ago.

She tried. She really did. She tried to stay awake. But she couldn’t. It was just too much. She felt her body fell on its own without her permission, her head fell to something hard. And that was the last thing she remembered.

 

 

 

 


	3. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for taking so long to update. Chapter 3 is split into two chapters and I’ve deleted the indicated chapters.
> 
> A special thank you to [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora) for being so kind as to beta read this chapter. Thank you so much for all your help and amazing advice! If you hadn’t read natsora’s stories go do yourself a favour and go check it out. They’re really good!
> 
> Also as indicated by the tags here might be some medical inaccuracies. 
> 
> I also fixed some mistakes and the formatting of the flashback in the first chapter is different. And Ryder wasn’t hit by an orange globe, but an orange energy beam, this was changed as well.

Ryder was in a bad shape when she arrived on the Tempest, and that was putting it lightly.

Drack brought the gurney to them, while Lexi was busy with Ryder, doing what she could on the spot. From the looks of it she needed to work steady and fast. Cora had to be careful moving Ryder to the gurney. One wrong move shifting Ryder from where she collasped onto the gurney would only make things worse. Her blood was everywhere.

Cora didn’t think, she just did what Lexi told her to. Her body got the message moving when she should, but her mind stood still. She was no doctor, but anyone could see this situation was not good. This wasn’t just any minor injury Ryder got after fighting another kett. This was serious.

To be honest everyone on the Tempest thought she would not make it, but no one dared to breathe a word of it. After she was laid on one of the beds Lexi shooed Cora away, but just as she made herself ready to leave, she saw a pair of green eyes opening. They were searching, not fully understanding where she was or what was going on.

Cora froze, staring back at the pair of green eyes. She couldn’t move a muscle. Back when Alec died she didn’t look scared. Cora didn’t know what was different. Back then her heart stopped, it didn’t now. Was Ryder too out of it back then?

Lexi approached Cora, “You need to get out of here.” She placed a firm hand on Cora’s shoulder.

Cora hesitated, looking back at Ryder. She wanted to say a few words of encouragement, but no words would be enough. Words wouldn’t solve anything, but actions would. She wanted to give Ryder a squeeze, but she couldn’t do that either. So she dragged her feet to the door.

Lexi emerged from the med bay hours later exhausted. The others were all crowded around outside looking at her for news, any kind of news. "She is going to make it, but..."

And that was enough to tell the others everything. No wound was simple. And the ones Ryder had suffered were complicated at best. She would definitely be suffering complications post-surgery. But Lexi had done what she could.

But days later, Ryder was still unconscious.

“Oh Ryder, why couldn’t you just choose?” Cora asked one night when she was alone in the bio-lab.

When Ryder was in surgery Cora tried to distract herself. She paced for who knew how long until someone brought her some coffee. The coffee helped. It gave her something to do. Something to focus on. That was until she was done drinking it.

She tried to work on some reports but her head wasn’t in it. She kept going back to the moment where she said they should leave Ryder. And now it may have been all for nothing. What if Ryder died anyway?

If they left Ryder at least Cora would have someone to blame. Herself. It would have been easier for her.

But the moment Lexi was done with the surgery it felt like it was the first time she could take a breath since Ryder returned to the Tempest. Whatever her condition was, knowing was better than not knowing.

* * *

Cora had to take over. She had a nice long chat with Tann. He wasn’t happy and _that_ was an understatement. As much as Cora didn’t agree with Ryder’s decision, the Pathfinder’s heart was in the right place. She had done what she thought was necessary at the time. At least that’s what Cora told herself. Whether she believed it or not is another case altogether. Tann said she was irresponsible, and losing a Pathfinder, any Pathfinder, wouldn’t bode well for the Initiative. Cora listened, nodding when she was expected to. She wrote the after action report, after talking to both Peebee and Drack. She also spoke to Raeka before the salarian left. Lexi had her own report to submit to Tann.

For the next few days, Cora slept less than 4 hours, but it suited her. She had lots of Pathfinder related business to attend to, and it kept her busy. More importantly, it kept her mind busy. She checked on Ryder every day. Lexi was always busy on a datapad, probably looking at some scans.

_Did she scan Ryder every day? What did Lexi look for in those scans?_

“You know nothing has changed,” Lexi said, without taking her eyes from the datapad, reading Cora’s mind.

That’s how everyday went. Cora came hoping that today would be different but it never was.

She looked down, seeing Ryder’s sleeping form. Her skin was paler than usual, the colours not fully returning to her features. Though Ryder didn’t even twitch, somehow Cora could feel the pain radiating from the Pathfinder’s sleeping form.

She took hold of Ryder’s right hand, the one without the IV line, feeling how soft and slightly cold it was and squeezed. She squeezed it so gently it was, more like a hug. “I know,” she said not taking her eyes off Ryder. Then, she stepped away and acknowledged Lexi with a nod before making her way out.

Just as the door opened she found Peebee, sitting across from the door. If she didn’t already have 5 cups of coffee already she would have jumped. Peebee’s back was against the wall, her hands on her knees. She looked exhausted, either she couldn’t sleep or she chose not to.

It was days since anyone had a good night’s rest. Everyone was too worried, but no one would admit it.

“Cora!” she exclaimed, jumping up from where she sat. “How is she?” she asked. Peebee tried to hide the concern from her voice, but failed.

“Still the same.” Cora looked at her, studying the asari ,taking note of the dark blue eye bags, the lackluster skin tone. “You should go get some sleep, Lexi will keep us updated.”

“If that’s true, why are you here?” Peebee countered.

Cora had to admit that was an excellent question. Why did she come every day to check on Ryder? She could use the time to do something else. So why waste it?

Peebee was voicing Cora's worries, worries that she didn't even want to admit to herself. She was the second in command, she had her reasons for checking on Ryder.  _No I am not worried. Ryder will be fine_. So Cora just looked at Peebee, schooling her face into one of indifference and hope that Peebee would call her out on it.

Peebee placed her hands on her hips, “And I’m not worried either.” Her voice betrayed her again, “Gill asked…he’s worried, not me,” she added quickly.

Cora narrowed her eyes that was an obvious lie. She knew Gill was fast asleep or at least trying to. With all the trouble the Tempest was in because of the gun, he haven’t had much sleep. But she decided not to call Peebee out on her lie, “Alright then. Tell that to Gill.”

She made her way back to the bio-lab. The air in the Tempest was thick. Nobody talked at dinner, even small talk was out of the question. Peebee was acting strangely, more than usual. But that made Cora think. Maybe she was wrong about Peebee. Cora always thought she was only here for the remnant. After all it was why she joined the Tempest back on Eos.

Something was eating away at Cora. Maybe it was guilt? No, it couldn’t possibly be guilt. If it wasn’t for Peebee, Ryder would be dead. Or worse. If they left Ryder they might’ve fought her as a kett one day. Would they even recognize her?

Cora stopped in front of the bio-lab door, and, she shook her head. No, she shouldn’t think like that. What could’ve been, didn’t matter. Fact was, Peebee saved Ryder’s life. And this meant one thing. Peebee didn’t care only about herself, but she was trying very hard to hide it.

Cora tapped on her omni-tool and the door opened. First she checked on her plants. Rubbing the green leaf of one of them between her thumb and index finger.

_When was the last time I gave them water? Was it yesterday or the day before?_

She pressed her hand deeper, feeling the soil of the plant. She felt a wave of relief as she touched the clammy soil. That meant they were still doing okay. She wasn’t going to be happy with herself if her plants died.

Then she walked up to her desk where a stack of datapads laid.

“SAM, will you let me know when Ryder wakes up?” she asked as she fell onto her chair exhausted. She pushed her chair closer to her desk. Her feet was sore as if she was on them all day.

“Dr. T’Perro had already said she will let you know as soon as the Pathfinder is awake.”

She buried her face in her hands, her elbows pressed into her desk, feeling the coldness on her skin. “I know, I know,” she muttered.

She rubbed her eyes, trying to push the tiredness from them. That didn’t help at all. She felt like she could sleep for days, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to. She had a responsibility, to herself, the crew, and to Ryder. “Just do it okay?”

“Yes, Lieutenant Harper.”

She straightened her spine and yawned. Her eyelids were like lead.

The next thing she heard was the gentle thump of a mug on her desk. “I’m not sleeping!” she exclaimed. She could feel the heat of the steam coming from the mug. The room was filled with the smell of coffee.

“I can see that. But you should really consider it Cora,” Lexi said as she studied Cora’s face, Cora could hear the hint of concern in Lexi’s voice. She didn’t know why Lexi was worried, she wasn’t the one lying unconscious in the med bay.

“I have too much work,” she said as she rubbed her sandy eyes. “Wait, is Ryder okay?” she asked almost jumping from her chair, ready for anything, her heart beating faster than it did a moment ago.

Lexi placed a hand on her shoulder. “Still no change. That’s not why I’m here.”

Cora’s neck hurt, probably from falling asleep on her desk the entire night. She stretched her neck side to side. It cracked as she did so “So what’s up? More bad news?” she asked. They sure could use some good news right about now.

“No, it’s actually about Scott.”

“Wait,” she said as realization hit her, “He’s awake? That’s amazing.” She didn’t need to look upon Lexi’s face to know he was awake. “That’s just what Ryder needs right now.”

She had talked a bit to him back in the Milky Way. They had some interesting conversations. Back then she connected faster with him than his sister.

Giving this news to Ryder when she woke up, would be good for her. It could give her hope. She knew Ryder wouldn’t like the idea to be confined to a bed for any period of time.

“Yes, I’m going to call him later today. To tell him about Ryder.”

“Won’t that affect his condition?” Cora asked.

“No, Harry says he’ll be okay.”

“That’s good.” She pressed one hand on her desk and stood. “Thanks for letting me know.”

After Lexi left she made her way towards the Galley and, placed her now empty mug in the sink. She needed to stretch her legs.

Raeka had left. The Salarian ark, and the Krogan scouts were already on their way to the Nexus. Raeka wanted to say goodbye and thank Ryder, but she had a responsibility towards her people.

Raeka felt bad that she went back to cryo-sleep when the Salarian ark was captured. Her people had suffered, they were tortured while she slept. Cora couldn’t imagine the amount of guilt she must be feeling. But she also understood why Raeka went back into cryo-sleep, the kett couldn’t get their hands on the Salarian Pathfinder. If they did… No. Cora shook her head, trying to avoid that train of thought.

When she greeted Cora, there was a hesitation in her movement. At first Cora feared Raeka knew they almost left without the salarians and Ryder. She thought Raeka’s look was one of anger, but when she spoke Cora realised she was wrong.

“Will she be okay?” Raeka asked, after a long silence.

Cora nodded, knowing exactly who Raeka was referring to. Although Cora wasn’t sure if she was lying to Raeka.

She asked Lexi a couple of times, but no matter how much Lexi tried she couldn’t convince Cora.

“If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.” An uncomfortable silence filled the meeting room. Raeka continued, speaking softer this time, “I owe a lot to Ryder.”

Cora gave her a sad smile, “I’ll do that.”

 Raeka started walking down the ramp of the meeting room, then she stopped abruptly. She hesitated as she faced Cora again. “Alec would have been proud.”

Cora couldn’t help to frown on her words, she knew Ryder wouldn’t admit it but those 5 words would mean the world to her.

Raeka’s gaze went to the floor. “Give my thanks to her.” And with those words Raeka left the Tempest.

Cora wished she knew when Ryder would wake up, but neither SAM nor Lexi knew when exactly that would be.

There was another problem. Suvi came to her about it. Drack and Peebee told her about what the Archon did to Ryder. He injected her with… something. And apparently, the Archon saw her memory flashes. This could either be a big problem that could bite them later or no problem at all. But there was nothing they could do about that right now. At least not when Ryder was still unconscious.

* * *

Opening her eyes felt like the hardest thing to do. She heard voices, but they felt so near yet so far. The room felt cold, the smell familiar yet somewhat strange.

Two blurry figures drifted in and out of her vision. One of them blue, the other a human. Their lips moved but no sound came from the mouths. A high whine rang out in her ears as the room spun. _What are they saying?_ For some reason it was important that she know, but as quickly as the thought came, it escaped. _Where am I?_ Before she could put thought to action, her lead heavy eyes dragged themselves shut once again.

The next time she woke, she could hear more clearly. Monitors were beeping. Maybe medical equipment? She opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings. She rolled her head towards her left. There were some monitors, then she lifted her left hand and saw an IV line in her hand, liquids moving through it. She must’ve been in the med bay, but why? She tried to remember, somehow she knew that was important. Her hand felt somewhat cold. Lexi was sitting at her desk, oblivious that she was awake. Busy with something, probably.

Then she felt it. A excruciating pain, burning, lancing, piercing deep in her guts, threatening to split her in two. She felt like a million needles stabbing her from the inside out. The kind of pins and needles you get on your hands and feet, but more intense. It was a feeling she hadn’t experience before. And they were in her abs, getting worse with every second. It made her remember. She lifted her head, attempting to take a look. _The Archon. She making a decision. They spliting up. Meeting Raeka. And then the orange energy beam._ She laid her head back on the pillow, gently. As if putting it down too hard or too fast would make it worse. She screwed her eyes shut, biting her lower lip and let out a groan.

“Ryder, you’re awake,” Lexi said, suddenly at her side.

She opened her eyes again slowly, a second ago the light didn’t matter. Now it added to her pain. It made her feel weak, “Lexi,” she said. Her voice felt strange, weak, almost as if someone else was speaking.

“I’m going to give you something for the pain, but it will make you sleepy.” She looked at Ryder, her eyes revealed how worried she was, “You need the rest.”

Ryder wanted to protest, but just as she wanted to she remembered. Cora looking at her, staring being frozen. The look she gave Ryder. She was worried that Ryder might not make it. But she wasn’t that seriously injured, right? Lexi said something to her, but for the life of her she can’t recall what and then Cora left.

_Surgery. Masks. Needles. Was she in surgery?_

Everything seemed hazy right now. It felt like everything was just a bad dream, that none of it really happened.

She tried to sort through her memories, but it was no use. Everything was confusing. She didn’t know what was real and what was imagined.

“Lexi…,” she started, that single word took all of her strength. “…did I… did I have surgery?”

Lexi avoided her gaze, “We’ll talk about it later.”

She frowned, feeling the burning in her guts growing and growing. It was becoming more unbearable by the second. Something was wrong, she knew it. Something was missing. She just didn’t know what.

But she didn’t care about that right now. Maybe that made her bad person, but all she wanted to do was go back to sleep. She’d worry about the other stuff later. 

When she slept she would feel nothing. She’ll feel at peace.

Sleep couldn’t come fast enough. It felt like an eternity but it was mere seconds.

All of a sudden her eyelids felt as heavy as lead again. She just wished that when she opened them the next time, she’d feel like her old self again. She knew that was a lie, but she hoped it anyway.

She didn’t know how long she slept. It could be hours. It could be days. This time she was alone, the med bay was dark. There was no light except for the monitors and some of Lexi’s equipment.

“Hello Pathfinder,” SAM’s voice echoed inside her head. “I have informed Dr. T’Perro that you are awake.”

“Okay, can you tell me about my injuries SAM?” she asked. She felt a bit better. Her abs still hurt a lot, but not nearly as much as it did before. Sedatives and pain killers could do amazing things.

“I believe Dr. T’Perro should be the one who informs you.”

The light came on, as the door opened. Lexi appearing as if out of thin air.

“Ryder,” she greeted. Her voice revealing how relieved she felt. “You had us worried there.”

The med bay was filled with awkward silence. Ryder was not sorry. If she had to choose again she would have done the exact same thing.

“How’s it?” she asked, moving her right hand to her stomach. She was bursting to know.

“You’re lucky Ryder. Without the medi-gel, there would’ve been more damage, the medi-gel-“

“Wait, wait, “Ryder cut in, interrupting Lexi by gesturing with her right hand, signalling her to stop. “What do you mean more damage? What damage?” she asked, her mind went to a million places, thinking of the worse things. She tried to sit up, but every movement hurt too much.

She wished Lexi would just tell her what was wrong, that Lexi would get to the point. And tell her what she should do to get out of this bed. 

“Well,” Lexi started, “For one, you have nerve damage and-“

“But that’s not that bad. It can be treated,” Ryder said optimistically.

“Ryder,” Lexi took a firm hold of her right hand and sighed, “Stop interrupting me,” she said with no anger in her voice. Her voice was soft, it almost sounded like Lexi was being careful not to upset her.

Ryder nodded, her heart beating faster. Lexi’s explaintion couldn’t come fast enough.

_Why was people always so careful to break news like this? Couldn’t they just say what it is, so that everyone could just move on with their lives?_

“Ryder, that’s not the damage I was talking about.” Lexi sighed again, collecting her thoughts, “You can’t ever have children.” As the words left Lexi’s mouth, Ryder let go of the doctor’s hand. It was disbelief, it was...

She didn’t know what it was. She couldn’t think of the words, not even where she could be alone in her thoughts.

“What?” she squeaked. She couldn’t trust her voice. She could feel her breathing slow down. Time was moving more gradually than it did a moment ago.

This didn’t feel real. It felt like someone else’s story playing out before her.

One thing was clear however she had surgery. She didn’t imagine it. She had so many questions. She didn’t know which to ask first. Her right hand went to her stomach again, but before it could reach its destination Lexi caught her hand in hers.

“You can’t get pregnant,” she said, paraphrasing it.

Ryder frowned. Did she think Ryder didn’t hear her the first time? Why did Lexi use different words to say the exact same thing?

She avoided Lexi’s gaze and started to put the puzzle pieces together. She could read between the lines. And she had been cut open. That _was_ what was missing. “You had to remove it, didn’t you?” Ryder squeezed her eyes shut.

When she opened them again, Lexi was watching her closely. Studying her. The urge to get up from bed completely disappearing. The doctor had a look in her eyes. Pity? No, it wasn't pity. It was something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

“I’m sorry,” Lexi said.

Ryder recognized _that_ sorry. Lexi wasn’t apologizing. She was saying there was no other way. It was the same look the doctors gave them when they told them there was nothing else they could do for her mom.

“Ryder,” Lexi said. Ryder turned her head towards Lexi as she continued, “It was ruptured.”

“Ruptured?” she repeated softly. That didn’t sound good, even to her.

This was her fault. She should have been quicker, she should have dodge faster. Not avoiding a kett by meeting another kett’s weapon instead. She should have taken better care of her shields. She should have timed her shots better. She should have…

“Yes, there was no way to save it,” Lexi’s words distracted her from her thoughts.

She knew she must feel something, but the truth was she felt nothing. Okay, no that wasn’t true either. She did feel something, but what exactly that was, she wasn’t sure.

She knew Lexi expected her to say something about her surgery, but she couldn’t find the words. “And my armor?”

“Your…armor?” Lexi asked, almost not believing what Ryder was asking.

“Yeah, could I wear it ever again?” There was no hint of a joke in her voice.

“What?” Lexi asked in confusion, “No there is a hole in it.”

“That’s too bad,” she commented.

Lexi studied her, “I’d just need to give you something through your IV line, and then you should rest some more.”

She retrieved a syringe from one of the drawers before returning, “It might be a bit cold,” she warned as she placed the needle into the IV port.

Ryder started to feel the ice creeping up her arm. It stung a little, an icy fire that burnt. She frowned but didn’t utter a word. And then the sensation went away, just like that.

“Just tell SAM if you need me okay?” Lexi said before leaving.

She stared at the ceiling, replaying the conversation in her head. She didn’t know how long she stared at the ceiling, she was thankful that SAM was silent. But one moment she was alone in the darkened med bay, the next she heard hushed voices.

She rubbed her temple, feeling a bit foggy. This time the med bay was light. Her vision was blurry, and it took a while before it became clear.

“Gill says we’ll be good to go soon. The Tempest shouldn’t give any more trouble,” Cora said. Ryder turned to look at her.

She frowned, trying to figure out why the Tempest would give trouble. Unless… _those guns…_ She thought she had imagined it. Some parts of the mission were still a mystery to her.

“So we’re heading to the Nexus next?” Lexi interrupted her thoughts.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Ryder said as she tried to push herself upright. But as soon as she tried Lexi was by her side in seconds but Ryder waved her off. Cora remained still, her attention on Ryder. “Why aren’t we at the Nexus? We should have arrived there by now.”

“Ryder-," Cora started to say.

“After we found the Asari ark,” she growled as she glared at Cora, she was getting enraged, “We returned to the Nexus…Tann had that speech and everything.” She remembered Tann’s long speech trying to make them feel welcome. She had to say something as well, if they needed to be there then, than they needed to be there now.

Her attention went back to Cora. “The Tempest shouldn’t give us any more trouble? This can only mean one thing.” She narrowed her eyes, shifting her gaze from Cora to Lexi. “The Tempest was damaged. Someone ignored the order I gave.”

Lexi and Cora just stared at her, both of them considered their next words carefully, trying hard not to upset her.  It only served to frustrate her further, especially when they wouldn’t normally act like this.

Cora spoke up, “I was ready to leave. But Peebee made me realize-“

“Since when do you listen to anything Peebee has to say?” Her eyes blazed with anger.

Cora’s answer was only silence.

“Peebee has placed everyone on this ship in danger!” Ryder shouted. She closed her eyes, in a bid to rein in her anger, and opened them again. “I want to talk to her,” she said more calmly this time.

“No,” Lexi interjected. “You should be resting.”

“I’m going to talk to her. I wasn’t asking your permission,” Ryder spat. Determination was the crease between her brows. There was no stopping the Pathfinder when she got this way. “You should have left me there.” Her green eyes were throwing daggers at Cora.

“Are you serious?” Cora asked. “You’re actually mad because we didn’t leave you to die?” She snorted and rubbed her eyes. “Now I’ve seen everything.” She looked straight at Ryder, anger colouring her cheeks. “What the heck is wrong with you?”

Ryder tried to ignore Cora and she stared at Lexi’s desk, but anger forced rash words out of her mouth. “I’m the Pathfinder, when I give an order I expect people to follow it. And not to do whatever they please!”

“Do you have a death wish?” Cora accused.

“What type of question is that?” she shouted, startled by it. She didn’t want to yell, but that was the last thing she expected coming from Cora.

She wasn’t sure where that was coming from. Why would Cora ask that?

“Pathfinder, I advise you to try and calm down,” SAM said. It must’ve been through their private channel because neither Lexi nor Cora reacted. She ignored him. She could feel her blood pressure rising.

* * *

Cora started to point a finger at Ryder, but Lexi intervened.

“Don’t,” she warned.

She led Cora to a corner of the med bay. This way Ryder couldn’t overhear.

Cora listened only with one ear, keeping an eye on Ryder from her angle.  Ryder blinked rapidly a couple of time, looking disoriented. She looked unsteady. Was she sitting up? Cora frowned, unsure what she just saw.

Ryder laid her head back on her pillow. Her face rapidly turning pale, if not grey. Cora wasn’t listening to Lexi anymore. She quirked her head to the side, wondering if she should inform Lexi.

Ryder’s eyes fluttered close as her chest raised and fell faster and faster. Maybe it was normal, maybe this wasn’t nothing out of the ordinary, because the machines would go off, right?

“Cora?” Lexi suddenly asked.

Cora heard Lexi calling her, but it sounded different. Her name was echoed from far away.

“Ryder!” Cora shouted as the machines started screaming.

 

 

 


	4. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [ Somnaborium ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somnaborium/pseuds/Somnaborium) for all your help! A special thank you to [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora) who beta-read this chapter. Thank you so much for all your help that you’ve given me!

Cora’s feet took her to the bathroom. She was relieved to find no one else there. She made sure to lock the door and went to sink, throwing some cold water on her face. Hopefully, this would calm her down.

She didn’t even know why she was angry. Was she angry because Ryder blamed Peebee, or was she angry because she didn’t understand Ryder? Her reasoning made no sense. Ryder should be grateful, she’s alive.

After a few minutes, she grabbed a nearby towel and dried her face before leaving.  It was as good as time as any to try and get some work done.

She almost didn’t see Peebee and walked right into her.

_How long was she standing there? Did she hear the entire conversation at the med bay?_

Cora didn’t have to guess for long.  “I take it she’s mad,” Peebee said.

Cora leaned against the wall, “You overheard?”

Peebee shrugged, “Parts of it. It was hard to miss. There was a lot of yelling involved.”

Peebee was probably not the only one who overheard then. Of course not. Why would she be?

She tried to act nonchalant, but Cora saw that wasn’t the case. Peebee’s expression was blank and she tried her hardest to avoid eye contact with Cora.  “She’s just on painkillers. She doesn’t know what she is saying.” Cora frowned at her own words. She wasn’t sure if she believed them.

“Uh-huh,” Peebee said. If she noticed Cora’s reactions to her own words she didn’t give a hint of it. “I need to work on Poc. See you later.”

 Peebee left, not allowing Cora to reply.

Clearly, Ryder’s words had hurt Peebee, though she tried very hard to hide it. She wasn’t sure how to handle the asari.

She wasn’t sure if she should ask Peebee about it. With the amount of work she had to do. It was impossible to make it a priority.

* * *

Reyes was sitting in his VIP room at Tartarus. One hand held a datapad he was busy reading. It was a report one of his agents had sent earlier. He was concentrating so hard, he didn’t hear the music that was playing in the background.

The doors slid open and for a moment he was distracted. It was only the asari waitress coming to fetch his empty glass, he returned his attention to the report. Occasionally he’ll enjoy some whiskey, but never too much especially if he was busy. The Collective needed his full attention, and he couldn’t afford to slack in his work.

“Another one?” she asked him.

“Hmm…,” he hummed distractedly. He looked up, her posture suggesting she was waiting for him. “Maybe later.”

He heard the doors opened and closed again, already dismissing her from his mind.

He wasn’t sure how long it was before he heard a swishing sound again and with it a voice, “Reyes.”

He’d recognize that voice anywhere, “Keema.” He didn’t realize that it was this late already. He placed the datapad on the coffee table. “What news do you have?”

“Every agent has checked in,” she walked deeper into the room. “There wasn’t another situation.”

After one of his agents betrayed the Collective he needed to make sure there weren’t any nasty surprises lurking behind a corner. Luckily Ryder and Crux worked together. From the sound of it, it seemed like they had no problems working together, which could only mean good for him.

“Good. Now, what other news is there?” he asked.

“It’s concerning the Pathfinder,” Keema started.

“Oh?” he said as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

He listened as Keema told him about Ryder’s last mission. He nodded along until he heard about her injury. His heart rate quickened, but he wasn’t sure why. Reyes was a man that could stay calm when most were freaking out.

“What is her condition?” he asked.

Keema gave him a strange look. “Uh…our agents couldn’t find out anything further.”

He nodded. “Keep digging. And let me know as soon as you have something. We might need the Pathfinder’s help again in the future.”

* * *

When Ryder woke again, Lexi was on one side of her bed, studying the monitors.

“Lexi,” Ryder said when the room came back into focus. She remembered the fallout between her and Cora. She knew she probably should have handled that better, but it didn’t change the way she felt.

“Ryder, you need to take it easy,” she said, giving her a stern look.

“I’m fine,” Ryder insisted.

Lexi looked at her pointedly before turning back to the monitors.

Eventually, Ryder broke the silence, “When can I-“

“You’re not clear for duty,” Lexi interrupted, “And I don’t know what gave you that idea. Sitting up will almost be impossible for you at this stage.”

“No, I can. I’ll show you.” She pushed with both of her hands, trying to sit up straight. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t and it hurt, a lot.

After a few painful tries with no success, she gave up. Gingerly, she plopped her head back down on the pillow, utterly defeated and out of breath.

 “I wouldn’t recommend doing that again,” Lexi said, giving Ryder a stern look.

“So I must do nothing?”

“Yes.”

“I’m the Pathfinder,” she protested, “I have to…you know be out there.” She gestured vaguely at the med bay door.

“And that’s why there is someone like Cora.” She walked up to her desk and picked up a datapad.  She crossed her arms over her chest. “You need to relax.”

Relaxing was something Ryder was never good at. Even as a kid she needed to keep her mind busy. It didn’t matter with what. Without distraction, her mind will wonder elsewhere. To places she wanted to avoid. How could she have handled the mission differently?. Could she have been faster? Could things have turned out better?

Of course Cora took over. What was she thinking?  The Tempest was going to run by itself? That’s not how life worked. She must’ve been unconscious for some time. Life goes on.

“I’m in a bed, aren’t I?”

“That does not mean you’re relaxing.”

Ryder narrowed her eyes. “Your dressing,” Lexi pointed at her stomach, “needs to be cleaned and changed 3 times a day for now. Luckily, there’s no sign of infection.”

“You expect me to lay here doing nothing.”

“Yes,” she answered calmly.

“Then I want to talk to Peebee,” she said, pushing her luck.

She needed to know why Peebee insisted that they should wait for her. She knew Peebee didn’t agree but that didn’t change things. It would’ve been easier to leave, so why didn’t they?

“That’s not happening either,” Lexi said with such finality, there was no doubt it was the end of the discussion.

* * *

 

Ryder was exhausted, but that's because she had her insides rearranged violently, right? That's normal, right?

She sighed, starring at the white ceiling of the med bay, Sleep was hard to come by if every movement no matter how small reignited the fire across her abdomen. She had taken painkillers but it merely turned it down into a dull roar, it still hurt all the time.

She blinked, a little surprised that she had dozed off. But it wasn't the naturally awakening of a good rest but her stomach clenched, coling tighter and tighter, sending waves of agony through her weakened body. The little that she ate and drank was a rising tide pushing its way up her throat, threatening to spew forth from her mouth. Stomach acid and half digested food searing her throat as she pressing her hand against her mouth. It was the last bastion before it was going to erupt from her mouth.

Lexi quickly grabbed a bucket and gave it to her. If she was any slower, it would have been too late.

Hot and sour, burning and gut-churning, it kept coming and coming. It seemed to slow a little as Ryder spat to clear the taste from her mouth, Lexi moved to remove the bucket. But another clench of her guts unleashed another wave. Her grip tightened on the bucket, she clung onto it like a lifeline as she emptied her stomach.

 “Are you done?” Lexi asked, handing her a towel.

“Yeah,” she said softly, thanking Lexi with a tired gaze and cleaned her mouth. This moment was one of the many times, she was glad she had short hair.

She laid her head back on her pillow and closed her eyes, her hand rubbed her throat. It was sore from puking out her guts. When she opened up her eyes two blue worried eyes stared back.

“I take it you knew this was going to happen.” It wasn’t a question. Lexi must’ve known otherwise she wouldn’t have a bucket ready to go.

“I had my suspicions,” she said,handing Ryder a glass of water. “Here drink. But not too much,” she warned.

Her throat felt raw, and the water tasted funny. She took only a couple of sips and handed the glass back.

“I’ll see what I can give you for this. But for now get some rest.”

“Is this normal? Is this because of my injury?” she asked. A wave of tiredness came over her.

“It might be. But we can’t be sure.”

“We?” Ryder asked wondering if Lexi talked about Harry.

“Yes,” Lexi started to answer, “I’m consulting with a couple of doctors whose stationed back at the Nexus.

Ryder was pretty sure Lexi was holding out on her, but right then she was too tired to care.

* * *

“You’ll have to be placed on a new diet,” Lexi told Ryder.

“What will that involve exactly?”  Apparently the new diet would help her with the puking. Without it, it may only get worse. Food played a big role.

Over the next couple of days, the puking only got worse. Lexi started to run more tests, scanning and taking blood, but with each result, Lexi looked grimmer.

"We’ll work a diet out. It depends on how severe your condition is.”

That didn’t tell Ryder much.  “Alright, what're the rules?” Whatever they were, she knew she wasn’t going to like it.

“No raw vegetables or fruit. It will be a fiber and low-fat diet.”

Her face fell. Ryder loved fruits. Though she wasn’t that fond of vegetables, she ate them. She was going to miss that. The thought of a cooked tomato didn’t appeal to her in the slightest.

“Coffee?” she asked, but she had a feeling she knew the answer to that.

“For now no. When this is manageable we will see. And no alcohol. We might revisit that one, but even then not a lot.”

Ryder sure was going to miss them. She only drank alcohol occasionally, but she did love her whiskey. _That_ whiskey Reyes stole was one of the best she had in a very long time. And coffee? She drank a lot. Giving that up would be hard. Hopefully, she could drink coffee in the future again.

* * *

The next few days Ryder was exhausted in a way she had never been before. If she didn’t sleep, she puked. She started to experience headaches as well. Those weren’t so bad, and Lexi gave her something for them. Ryder didn’t mind the pills, she didn’t mind when Lexi had to inject her with meds. But she did wish she could stop being tired, and that she could stop throwing up. That everything could be like it was before. Her throat hurt the whole time, it never got any better. Her stomach was hurting the whole time as well. Ryder thought by this time it would have been better. Apparently, she was wrong.

Lexi gave her some medications to relieve her symptoms. But it didn't solve the problem. They experimented trying to find the right combination of drugs. Unfortunately, some of them had horrible side effects. But because it didn’t help her symptoms by much Lexi felt that she should stop using them. In truth, she didn’t care about the side effects. But even if there weren’t any, they still hadn’t found the right ones.

“You know this will take a while until we found the right drugs,” Lexi said as she handed Ryder her pills with a glass of water.

She sighed, “Yeah that’s what I thought.” She washed the pills of different colours down with the water.

“Your exhaustion will get better soon.”

“And my nausea?” Ryder asked hopefully. Although these days her hope might as well be dead. Every time she was optimistic, Lexi crushed it. But time and again her hope returned.

“Ryder,” Lexi approached her. “You must understand that it will still be a while before you can be out on the field.”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t it be?” Ryder replied sarcastically.

“You have been sleeping a lot Ryder, and-“

“What has that have to do with anything? I thought you would be happy about that,” she interrupted. It wasn’t like she had a choice in the matter.

“Ryder sooner or later you are going to have to deal with this.”

Ryder stared at her, expressionless.

This. The fact I can't have kids. Do I even want kids? How is one supposed to deal with...this?

“I don’t want to talk about that. I’m fine. Besides…,” she said as an afterthought, “not everyone is meant to have children.”

Lexi studied her. She looked at her for so long, Ryder  started to feel uncomfortable.

“Okay,” she finally said, “Just remember I’m always here if you want to talk.”

“Sure,” Ryder said. But she wasn’t planning on talking to Lexi.

“There are some pills we can try for your stomach.”

“You think it’s part of my symptoms as well,” she said as she realized where Lexi was going with this. “All of this is the same thing?”

“Yes. If everything adds up. By now you should’ve experienced less pain than this.”

* * *

“It looks good,” Lexi commented as she cleaned Ryder’s wound.

She didn’t know how it looked. It still hurt too much to sit up straight.

The door opened, and Suvi entered with a datapad.

“Oh,” Suvi hesitated realizing Lexi being busy with Ryder, “I can come back later.”

“No need,” Lexi’s words stopping Suvi in her tracks, “I’m done.”

After Lexi have put everything away, she moved towards the door and squeezed Suvi’s shoulder. In turn, Suvi gave Lexi a simple nod. That exchange made Ryder frown.

“How are you?” Suvi asked as soon as Lexi left.

“I’m fine.” Ryder watched as Suvi approached. “What’s up?”

Suvi gave her the datapad, eyes quickly scanning it over.

The Archon,” she started to say as the realization hit her, “saw my memory flashes?”

Suvi spoke, something about SAM, probably referring to what SAM did while they were trapped. But in all honesty, she hasn’t heard a single word. All Ryder had left was her optimism and she used it like a shield. “We will beat the Archon!” she assured Suvi. At this point, even her optimism scared her.

“I’ve already talked to Cora. She’ll talk to the leadership, but..,” she paused, looking at Ryder, making sure it is safe to speak, “They will want to talk to you as well.” Her next few words were added quickly. “Once Lexi clears you, of course.”

She didn’t know what the leadership thought, but at the least, she knew Tann wouldn’t approve. He would make that pretty clear when she did speak to him. That wasn’t something she was looking forward to, but she couldn’t care less.

"Why would-"

She pressed her hand against her mouth as her face turned green.

Suvi’s eyes widened. “Should I get Lexi?”

Ryder knew if she opened up her mouth it would not be words coming out. So with her other hand, she pointed towards the bucket.

Suvi got it as soon as she possibly could. And Ryder threw up. At this point, she didn’t really care who saw her puking. When she was done and had cleaned herself with the help of Suvi, Lexi arrived.

“SAM said you were throwing up again,” Lexi said. “I think it’s time we try something new.”

* * *

Later that day Jaal came around. Of all the people Ryder expected to come and visit, he wasn’t one of them.

“Jaal,” Lexi greeted before she got the chance, “Did you bring it?”

“Yes,” he answered.

Ryder frowned, feeling like a third wheel in whatever this was.

Lexi looked at Ryder, “I thought we could try nutrient paste.”

“You want me to try nutrient paste?” she asked, not sure if she liked the idea. “Is it even safe for me?”

She knew it was safe for humans. But was it safe for her? With this new diet and everything, there were so many rules she needed to keep up with.

“Yes, just try it.” Lexi took it from Jaal and gave it to Ryder.

She took it, still unsure if she should. It tasted sweet like a fig but also sour like a lemon. Ryder swallowed it slowly.

“And?” Jaal asked in anticipation.

“It has a… very interesting taste,” Ryder said, not wanting to disappoint Jaal. “I might grow to like it.”

She studied Jaal’s features. “But I don’t hate it,” she said quickly as she saw how they fell.

Jaal laughed, “It must be quite different for you.”

She frowned. “Yeah…it is.” Sometimes she still struggled to read Angara facial expressions.

After Jaal left, she reached out for her glass of water and took a few sips in hopes of rid herself from the aftertaste of the nutrient paste. But it was in vain.

Ryder didn’t feel quite as tired as before, and luckily for her, Lexi had granted her access to her omni-tool. She could reply to her crew’s emails, but no Pathfinder business. Lexi made herself abundantly clear.

In truth it was getting boring, with nothing to do but time to think. It was the last time she wanted to do.

Ryder had too much time to think, so she read in stead. But ended up thinking about the memory flashes. She replayed them in her head, trying to figure out what they meant. She thought some of the flashes where people from her past. Mom, Dad, Scott spending time together. Could the Archon use them? And if he so, how? Could he get some information about them and use it to his advantage?

“In a few days you can be up,” Lexi said, breaking through her thoughts.

That was the best news she had got in days. It has been weeks lying in bed. That was time wasted while other people did her job. That wasn’t how it should have gone.

She should have gotten out of bed sooner, at least started working on some reports.

“But,” Lexi continued, “You’re still not be cleared for duty.”

Ryder would take all her small victories.

* * *

“Ryder,” Drack greeted when he walked into her quarters.

She was out of the med bay, which was great. She spent some time with the crew. Catching up with everyone was nice, everyone except Peebee and Cora. She was still mad at Peebee while Cora kind of ignored her.

It didn’t mean she didn’t speak to Ryder. She did. But only if she needed to. It was clear Cora was mad. But there was also something else. All Ryder knew was to give Cora some time.

She was still not clear for active duty, but she could start writing reports. Just as long she didn’t go out in the field.

Ryder had an oversized black and blue shirt with black pants on. Wearing oversized clothes made things a bit easier. Getting dressed was difficult. She couldn’t do what she usually did in the past. And it was very frustrating.

Doing even as little as she had made her exhausted. She couldn’t be on her feet for too long. The pills had an influence in part while they helped with the pain, they made her tired. Now getting up from a chair was a mission on its own.

“Drack,” she greeted, “You never come into my quarters. What’s up?”

“Just want to talk to you,” he said as if that was answer enough. “Perhaps you should sit down,” he suggested.

If Ryder took a seat it will take her almost 20 minutes to get up from it. That was an exaggeration, it wouldn’t really take that long. But it was difficult for her to get up from a chair. She’ll stand, even if her feet was killing her. Besides a conversation with Drack couldn’t possibly take that long.

“No, I’m fine,” she said instead.

Ryder waited for him to go on but he didn’t. _Was he at a loss for words? Drack?_

“Sure, go ahead,” She looked down at her hands, making sure they didn’t shake. Her hands trembling was one of the side effects she got recently. She was still throwing up but thankfully it wasn't as often anymore.

“I want to thank you. You went out of the way and got my scouts and the salarians out.”

“I didn’t do it all on my own.” Without Raeka, she wouldn’t even be here talking to Drack now.

“True. But you’re the only one that is dealing with this,” he pointed to her hands. They must’ve started to shake again.

She looked down at her hands, and rubbed them, trying very hard to hide the fact she was trembling. But she couldn’t fool Drack. Though what Drack said was true,  she made the decision, and only she needed to deal with the consequences. Nobody else.

“Because it was my choice Drack. Actions have consequences.”

“Maybe so, but now I know I can trust you. Take a piece of advice from an old man.” That made her perked her head up. “Forgive her. Don’t stay angry forever.”

Peebee. He was telling her to forgive and forget. But Peebee didn’t follow her orders. Everything might’ve worked out this time, but what about the next time?

“Raeka isn’t the only one who saved your life, Ryder. Peebee saved yours and the salarians’ lives.” He was silent for a few moments. “Think about it.”

“Ryder, we need to talk,” Cora called out as she walked in. Ryder realized she must’ve left her door open.

“Just think about it, kid,” Drack said as exited.

Drack and Cora exchanged a look as he left the room.

Ryder closed the door behind him, switching her attention to Cora and nodded slowly. “I guess we do.”

Cora paced, her mouth opened and closed, choosing and discarding words to start the conversation.

“Just don’t ask me if I have a death wish,” Ryder said. And Cora stopped. If looks could kill, Ryder would definitely be dead.

“That’s not funny Ryder,” she glared harder.

“I wasn’t making a joke,” she said with all seriousness in her voice.

Cora shook her head slowly, looking miserable. She ignored Ryder’s words and started. “You should have made a decision.”

“Ah,” she snorted, “And what would you have done in my place, Cora?  How the heck am I to choose who lives and dies?” her voice went louder with every word.

“That’s not what this is about Ryder,” she growled. “It’s about you.”

"Me?” She didn’t understand. “What exactly has this to do with me?”

“Raeka told me what happened. You asked. No, you begged her to leave you there,” Cora growled, finally speaking her mind.

So that’s why Cora was mad at her.

“I don’t know what you expect me to say. I was clinging to consciousness. I didn’t know what I was saying.”

“Okay, let’s pretend for a minute that’s the truth. Tell me one thing. “ She held one finger up. “Why are you mad at Peebee?”

“She didn’t follow an order. She didn’t-“

“Don’t!” Cora warned. “Don’t lie to my face. Tell me the truth. You owe me at least that much.”

Ryder couldn’t. Because she didn’t know why she was mad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. The Nexus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora) for betaing.

She felt a wave of heat coming over her. _No, no, no. Please pass. Please pass_ , she begged. The room started to spin. She closed her eyes, hoping it would help.

Counting. That would ease her dizziness, wouldn’t it?

_1_

Luckily, she was close to her desk and she reached towards it with her hand. If she could use her desk for support, maybe she wouldn’t fall on the ground.

_2_

Breathing. She needed to breathe. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

_3_

She opened her eyes slowly, testing her vision. It was better, but she still felt dizzy and the room wasn’t exactly how it was supposed to be. Regardless, she could work with this. She just needed to sit, do some work. Maybe digging through some reports and keep her mind distracted.

She knew she should tell Lexi, but if she did, Lexi might ground her more than she already has. She couldn’t risk it. However, if Lexi found out, she would kill Ryder, no doubt of that.

She sat down slowly, still being careful with her stomach. When she was finally seated, she took a few deep breaths, and had a sip of water before getting to work on the pile of datapads.

* * *

Coming back to the Nexus was somewhat different for Ryder. She couldn’t put her finger on it.

Ryder still couldn’t go out on the field, she needed Lexi’s permission to hold a gun. And for now, Lexi had said no.

“How do you expect to hold a gun if your hands are shaking?” Lexi countered.

“I’ll manage. I didn’t say I wanted to shoot something. It’s just in case. What if there’s an ambush?” she asked. She looked at Lexi seeking for a shift in her features. There was none. “Lexi, you know I always carry a weapon on me. You can’t do this!”

“Ryder,” Lexi’s hand touched her shoulder, “It won’t help if you have a weapon you can’t use.”

“I can! My hands don’t shake all the time,” she tried.

“The answer is no.”

Next, she was going to see her brother, and no one was going to stand in her way.

The tram ride took too long. Was it always this slow? Didn’t it move faster than this? It was years since she felt this nervous. She didn’t even feel like this when she needed to tell the leadership about her dad.

_Is he mad about Dad? Does he know yet?_

The last time she spoke to him was through SAM. It was weird, but at least she could talk to her brother.

She lied to him about everything, about the Golden worlds, their dad. That whole conversation was basically her lying to the only family member she had left. But that’s precisely why she had lied. She couldn’t be the reason if something went wrong while he was still in a coma. And it was worth it. He was okay. He was awake.

Her heart beat faster. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, like her brain forgot how to function. A few deep breaths later, and the tram doors finally opened. She walked up to the cryo bay.

_Scott is going to kill me._

He was sitting up in his bed, laughing and talking to Harry.  Her eyes couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Every time she visited before, she hoped he was awake. And maybe Harry had forgot to let her know. As much as that would pissed her off, she’d forgive him because all that mattered was that Scott was awake. But it was wishful thinking back then. He was unconscious, still in a coma.  It broke her heart every time seeing him still and not moving a muscle.

But now he was actually awake. And that made her smile.

“Excuse me,” a doctor almost walked right into her.

“Sorry,” she muttered. She must’ve stopped, she didn’t even realize it.

He looked at her direction and smiled. She took that as her cue and walked up to his bed.

“Scott…” she said as she approached.

“Sara,” he greeted as she sat next to him on his bed. He reached out to give her a hug.

The hug was most definitely not a good idea, she winced and bit her lower lip. “Scott…can you please…” she started.

Scott seemed to remember, “Oh yes. Of course. Sorry Sara, I forgot.”

“You know?” she asked in confusion. It was a stupid question, everyone knew about her injury. They knew she was hit with an Ascendant’s energy beam but not all of her injuries were made known to the public. Why would Scott be any different? But if he knew about that, wouldn’t he also know about Dad? About the Golden Worlds?

“Yeah, but I’m glad you’re okay. I asked around. Being hit with a… what did they call it? As…Ascepants…” he struggled for the right word.

Ryder burst into laughter and got some weird looks from others and a very disappointed one from Harry that told her she was too loud. “Sorry,” she muttered in his direction and Harry returned to his work, leaving Ryder and her brother alone. “Ascendant’s energy beam,” she corrected Scott.

How should Scout know what on earth an Ascendant was? He had never fought one. Maybe he saw images of one? She didn’t know. This must have been all so new to him.

“Oh,” Scott said, his embarrassment clearly visible on his face, “That. Being hit with _that_ couldn’t have been fun.”

She pulled a stray strand of hair back, “No, it wasn’t. But everything worked out. Everyone’s okay. That’s what’s important.”

Her brother stared at her and gave her a look. _That was strange. Am I seeing things?_

“I guess so,” he said, unconvinced. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when Dad died.”

Those words caught her unexpectedly, “You…know?” she said softly.

“Yes.”

“And you’re not mad?” she asked. This was very unlike Scott. He should be mad at her. Why wasn’t he mad? Something was off.

“No. I understand why you didn’t tell me.”

She stared at him with a blank expression. She shook her head, slowly, “No,” she said. She stood up. “You should be mad at me.” He had that same weird look. _Why is he looking at me like that?_ “Why aren’t you mad at me?” she demanded.

“Sara…” he started, carefully.

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” she repeated, louder this time. She looked around, but no one seemed to notice. “This doesn’t make sense,” she said more to herself than to Scott. “Why wouldn’t you-“

Then it clicked. Of course. The weird look. The way he approached her. “You know,” she said softly as she sat back on the bed. And this time they both knew what she referred to.

“Lexi called, not long after I woke up,” he started to say, “You were still unconscious. She told me everything.”

Everything, that meant he knew she wouldn’t be able to have children. That wasn’t common knowledge.

“I didn’t know,” Ryder said. She wasn’t mad, at least not about that. But Scott should have the freedom to be mad at her if he was. If her injuries took it away from Scott, it wouldn’t be fair.

She didn’t think she would’ve told him about it herself. How could she? It was all too new to her.

“I was mad, Sara. You should have told me everything!” he accused. His voice wasn’t loud, it didn’t raise any suspicions.

“I know,” she said. She didn’t try to lie to him. She didn’t try to make excuses. Ryder at least owed it to him. He needed to speak his mind.

“But, I get it.”

“You do?” she asked.

“Sara, if you were in the coma instead of me, I would’ve done the exact same thing. We’re the only family we have left.  We have to look out for each other.”

That surprised her. But he was right. She couldn’t lose him either.

She gave him an assuring smile, “Yes, that’s true.” Her omni-tool beeped reminding her of her meeting with the leadership. She grabbed her blue leather jacket, “I have to go before Harry kicks me out of here. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Duty calls?”

“Something like that,” she said as she got ready to leave.

* * *

 

As she arrived at Tann’s office she saw Cora exiting. Tann’s orders were to see Cora first and then Ryder. Probably to hear how things went when after Cora took over. Things were still not going that great between them despite their last conversation eased the tension a bit. But it could be worse. It might be a while before everything was back to normal on the Tempest.

Before Ryder could say a word, Cora spoke, “Ryder, you should go in.”

She wanted to ask her how it went, but she decided against it. Instead, she nodded.

Once inside Tann’s secretary directed her towards the leaders.

There was some form of awkward greetings between them before they got to business.

“We’ve spoken to Lieutenant Harper,” Tann started, “She gave us her report.”

“She’s a great second-in-command. I couldn’t have asked for someone better,” she meant every word.

While Ryder wasn’t able to do her job, Cora was there. She heard from the others how things were. Cora was running herself ragged, performing both her usual duties in addition to Ryder’s. It meant little to no sleep with a never ending list of things to do.  

Ryder didn’t know why, but she felt guilty. Did she treat Cora fairly back then when she found out the Tempest waited for her? Should she have treated her differently?

“I agree,” Tann said. It looked like he wanted to say something else but one look from Kesh stopped him.

Ryder blinked and pretended she never saw it.

“Ryder, we’d like to thank you for saving the Krogan scouts and Pathfinder Reaka,” Kandros said. He was seated across from her.

“We heard you were seriously injured. And we are glad to see you back on your feet,” Kesh said.

“And that’s precisely why you should’ve chosen a group, instead of choosing both,” Tann said. The rest of the leadership turned to look at him except Addison.

That’s the look Kesh was giving Tann. It was her way of silencing him, but it wasnt working. He was immune. “I understand your objections Director,” she lied. “But a decision needed to be made and that’s exactly what I did. I do not regret it.” She couldn’t put more emphasis on the word ‘not’ even if she tried. “If I had to choose all over again, I would choose both groups again. There’s no doubt about that.”

“Not all of us agree with Number 8,” Kesh said.

“Don’t you think it’s high time that you stop calling me that?” Tann asked, not impressed.

“No,” Kesh glared at him before talking to Ryder again, “Some of us feel you did well. Getting Raeka and the krogan scouts is a big win for us.”

“Some may say that,” Tann muttered.

Ryder crossed her arms over her chest, “But I take it you don’t.”

Tann turned his attention to Ryder, “You are the Pathfinder, Ryder.”

Ryder had to do her very best not to roll her eyes at him. It wouldn’t be very professional of her.

“You have a responsibility. What do you think the kett will do when they get their hands on a Pathfinder?” Tann continued.

“But they didn’t. And now they have fewer people for exaltation. Everything worked out for the best,” Ryder replied.

She didn’t need to look at them to know all eyes were on her. The leadership may not agree on everything, but clearly, they disagreed with her point. The silence was deafening. She probably shouldn’t have said that.

“Ryder,” Tann finally started, “The Tempest was damaged as we speak there are technicians making sure she is ready when the Pathfinder team can leave again.”

“The Tempest crew have lost weeks,” Addison continued where Tann left off, “Weeks where you could’ve gotten closer to get more resources. Establishing new outposts and killed more kett.”

“So what? Their lives didn’t matter?” Ryder’s gaze searched the room.

“That’s not what we’re saying,” Kesh said, “We’re only saying that everything hasn’t worked out for the best.”

We’re thankful for everyone that got out, but there are consequences to the choice you’ve made. Some of them are…” Kandros’ eyes went to a corner of the room as he searched for the right word, “…unsettling.”

“I disagree. Every life counts,” Ryder growled and gritted her teeth, “I owed it to them to at least try.”

Tann and Addison exchanged a look before Tann spoke, “Maybe it was a mistake letting you carry on as Pathfinder. Your second-in-command might’ve handled this situation better.”

Ryder was shocked. She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out. She should have expected this.

She remembered how her first meeting with the leadership went. Tann didn’t believe in her. Addison didn’t even want to give her a chance. Honestly then she wished someone would say that this was all a mistake. That Alec Ryder didn’t choose his own daughter to be the Pathfinder. That Cora was Pathfinder instead.

Although she didn’t want to be the Pathfinder, she had decided she’ll prove them wrong, that she could be the right women for the job.

Apparently, she had failed. Look at where they were. Would the leadership let her go to Meridian? They had to. If not, it was all for nothing. She growled a noise of frustration and anger, she had worked too hard to allow this to happen.

Ryder felt a wave of heat coming over her, she wasn’t sure if it was her dizziness returning or the anger. She knew now was not the time to pay attention to it, “Are you freaking kidding me?” she almost shouted. “Are you angry because there are some extra people that got rescued?”

Ryder struggled to stay upright. Something was wrong. It was too late to calm herself. It was too late to count.

“Ryder, should I contact Dr. T’Perro?” SAM asked.

“No…I…,” she was leaning on…something. She wasn’t sure what.

This was the wrong place for this to be happening. Her dizziness couldn’t have gotten this bad, could it?

Her vision was blurry and the leadership gave her weird looks.  Tann’s lips were moving, but she heard nothing. Kesh was tapping on her omni-tool frantically while Kandros was on the comms talking to someone. She couldn’t respond, it took all her energy to stay upright. The edges of her vision darkened as she fought to stay on this side of consciousness. Her knees stuck the floor, pain flashed up her legs. The world spun and spun as her head slammed onto the floor.

* * *

When Ryder opened her eyes, she wasn’t sure where she was.  Her mind caught up to the fact she was at the med bay, memories came flashing back.

She had collapsed at a leadership meeting of all places. Lexi would not be happy. She screwed her eyes shut.

When Ryder opened her eyes again, Lexi was next to her. She sat up straight, realizing she had an IV line in her hand once again. “Are you going to ground me?”

Lexi crossed her arms over her chest, “I told you to inform me if there were any other symptoms.”

“It’s the first time this happened,” she lied.

“You’re lying and you know it! SAM informed me of the other times as well.”

Ryder swung both of her legs carefully to the left side of the bed, “SAM?”

“It is best if Dr. T’Perro knows of any new symptoms. It may help you to get out to the field faster,” SAM explained.

“So what will happen now?” Ryder asked. She hoped that she wouldn’t need to stay in the med bay.

Lexi walked up to the medicine cabinet and retrieve a small red container from it. There were pills inside. “Take one twice a day. After meals.”

“Thanks.”

Lexi sighed, “There’s no point in you staying here. Consider this a warning. Keep me informed of any other symptoms.” Lexi moved to another cabinet and returned with some equipment to remove the IV line from her hand. “I’ll remove this and then you can go.”

“Thank you.”

Lexi eyed her, “But for the remainder of the day you’ll need to take things slow and stay in your quarters.”

* * *

Cora was walking past the Galley when she saw a blue figure at the table. She reversed her steps and approached when she realised it was Peebee. Her elbows were on the table and between her hands was a mug. Hot steam was coming out of it. Peebee was staring in front of her at something above a cabinet.

Peebee usually didn’t spend a lot of time in the Galley. She would either grab something quick to drink or eat or she would be here at dinner. Cora was sure she was hiding from Ryder.

Peebee didn’t look at Cora. Her focus was on the light, but her mind was somewhere else.

“I thought you were in the crew quarters?” she asked.

Peebee kept her gaze on the light, “Then I came here.”

Cora nodded, although she doubted Peebee saw, “Mind if I sit?”

Peebee turned and shrugged. “Sure, sit.”

She grabbed the chair next to Peebee and sat, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About?” Peebee stretched the word out.

“What’s going on between you and Ryder?” It was time she did something about it. Her talk with Ryder clearly didn’t do anything, so maybe things need to happen from Peebee’s side.

“Nothing is going on,” Peebee insisted.

“Peebee, if you stare a minute longer at that light it is going to break,” Cora said breaking Peebee’s gaze from the light.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but sarcasm isn’t really your style,” Peebee paused to take a sip from her mug. She looked at Cora. “And you’re one to talk.”

“What does that mean?” Cora’s words sounded defensive to her ears.

“Things aren’t particularly right between you two either. It may be better, but it’s not there yet,” Peebee pointed out.

“Well, I’m trying she’s just-“

“-Stubborn,” Peebee finished the sentence. She stared at Cora for longer than was comfortable before continuing, “I’m not going to apologize for making you wait for her. I did nothing wrong.”

“I know,” Cora said, her words barely audible. “And I’m not saying you should apologize to her. But you and Ryder can’t keep ignoring each other.”

“Well, I can try,” Peebee tried to sound amused, but her voice was brittle.

“Peebee,” Cora said, her tone sharp and hard. “The team can’t function like this. We need to move on. We can’t keep living in the past. We’re not at the Archon’s flagship anymore. We left weeks ago.”

“You weren’t even there!” Peebee exclaimed.

Cora sighed heavily. “You know what I mean.”

“Ugh.” Peebee rolled her eyes. “If I promise to think about it, will you leave me alone?”

Cora couldn’t help but smile, “Yes, you have two days.”

“Okay, okay,” she stood up and kicked the chair with one leg. “I’ll be doing something else now. Remember you need to leave me alone for two days.”

* * *

“I heard what happened. Are you okay?” Scott said when she arrived.

You heard?” Ryder asked. Her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

“Yeah, was it the wrong meds?”

“Maybe. But there are other possibilities too,” she said when she sat on Scott’s bed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked carefully.

She narrowed her eyes. She wasn’t sure what he wanted to talk about, but whatever it was she knew she had no desire to talk about it. “No, I’m fine. Just tired.”

“We can always switch places,” he joked.

“No, thank you. I had enough of _that_ ,” she bit back a dark laugh.

“Yeah, you and me both,” Scott said.

He could never lie still, neither of them could. Ryder knew this was hard for her brother. He heard everything that the Tempest had been up to. And he was looking forward to doing this. This was his dream. Ryder’s reasons for coming was…a little different. She needed to get away from her past.

“When are you starting with physical therapy?” she asked.

It would be good for Scott, even if it was just getting out of bed for an hour a day. She remembered what happened when he broke his foot. Scott walking around in crutches was very frustrating for him, but they had a lot of fun back then.

“Next week,” Scott broke into her thoughts.

For the rest of Ryder’s visit, they talked about the ‘good old days’, times when their family was whole. And they shared a few laughs. Before she knew it, SAM reminded her that it’s time to meet the leadership again.

* * *

“Ryder,” Tann greeted as she walked in.

The rest of the leadership were already there.

“We hope you’re feeling better,” Kesh said.

“Yes, thank you. Can we proceed?” Ryder asked remembering how badly the meeting ended the day before.

“Of course,” Tann answered.

“What have you found?” Kandros asked. It was the question that was on everyone’s lips, everyone except Ryder’s.

Memories of the fight against the Behemoth flashed in her mind. Ryder was giving orders to Peebee and Drack. Back then she knew this mission was going to be hard, but she didn’t know it was going to end up like this.

She didn’t know she was going to have lifelong consequences because of a single decision. That this decision would change her life. Despite it all, she had no regrets.

“The Archon had a map showing the location to Meridian,” Ryder walked up to the halo-map and pointed at the blinking nav-point. “Now we have it. And a short window to get there. It’s the control center for the terraforming network.”

The leadership stepped closer. Every pair of eyes studying the holo-image.

Ryder continued, “If we get that working all our problems will be solved.”

She hoped the leadership would agree. They wanted a solution and now they have one. Even they couldn’t deny that.

And then Tann’s questions changed things, “Based on what? This is alien science?”

“The vault on Aya suggested that Meridian is the key,” Ryder answered.  They had taken so much on faith, what was one more?

“While I’ve appreciated what you’ve done for the strike teams. We’re not equipped for a war with the kett,” Kandros came forward. “They’ll be defending Meridian with everything they’ve got.”

He was right, but what choice did they have? They needed to find Meridian. There was no other solution to their problems.

How could they miss the point she was trying to make?

“A fight is coming no matter what we do,” Ryder’s eyes searched the room once again hoping to convince at least some of them. If she could find one, the others might not have ground to stand on. She needed them to see. She needed them to know what she knew. “The Archon is already studying how to exalt us.” Her eyes shifted to the ground, “It’s not pretty,” her voice hush as she spoke.

All those recordings…All the information the Archon already had on them.

Addison folded her arms over her chest, “Still, it’s better to focus on the outposts. If the kett attack, all our people won’t be in one place.”

They weren’t seeing it. Only Kadara and Elaaden still needed outposts, and that won’t be enough.

When Ryder lost Kesh’s support as well, her courage fell out from under her.  For a moment, it felt like it was all for nothing. But immediately after that thought, guilt ran through her chest. How could she forget about the people they saved? Even if it was for only a minute.

It wasn’t for nothing. The mission was a success.

Then she heard a voice, one that gave her hope again. “Then I will.” Raeka was approaching with another Pathfinder.

“And so will I,” Sarissa said.

“Ryder deserves a chance to try,” Raeka said.

That’s all Ryder wanted.

“I applaud the gesture. But you answer to me. I’ll hope you understand,” Tann said crushing Ryder’s hope.

 _I’ll hope you understand_ , he said? _Is he serious?_ They needed to find Meridian. That’s why they went to Kadara. That’s why they went to the Archon’s flagship. She did all that so they could find this. And now that they had it, the leadership just expected them to do nothing?

“What’s the matter, Tann? Don’t want anyone else overshadowing you?” Ryder asked sarcastically.

Needless to say, the rest of the meeting didn’t go well. And they did not have permission to go to Meridian.

Afterwards, Ryder waited for the rest of the leadership to leave before approaching Tann.

“Let me make myself clear,” she started, pressing both hands on his desk. “I know you doubt if I have what it takes to be the Pathfinder. But I’ll prove you wrong. No matter how long this takes.”

With those words, Ryder left, not even giving him a chance to reply. She couldn’t care less what Tann thought.

Sarissa and Raeka approached her, telling her of a way they could perhaps go to Meridian without the help of the leadership.

“Ryder, do you have a minute?” Raeka asked after they discussed their plans to go to Meridian. Sarissa was already out of earshot.

“Yes. Is everything okay?” Ryder asked, curiously.

“I should be the one asking you that. How are you?”

“I’m fine. Just glad to be back at work,” Ryder answered honestly.

Raeka gave a small nod, “You are Alec’s daughter after all.”

Ryder wanted to ask more about her dad. How he and Raeka knew each other, how well she knew him, but she held the questions back.”

“I just want to say thank you, Ryder,” she continued. “If I didn’t go back, you wouldn’t have needed to come and…” Raeka trailed off. It seemed like she didn’t know how to finish her sentence.

“Don’t Raeka. You’ve put your people first. So please don’t apologize.” She paused, carefully considering her next words. “I would’ve done the same.”

Would she though? It no longer felt true. Back on the Archon’s flagship she would’ve said yes. Now, she wasn’t so sure. 

“Before you know it everything will be like it used to be,” Raeka said.

Ryder wished she could believe her but she couldn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this story into a series. That being said we’re nearing the end. At the last update, I’ll mention a bit what will be next for this series.


	6. Kadara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora) for betaing.

 

Ryder wasn’t cleared for active duty so she decided Kadara would be her next stop. She had done all she could on the Nexus. She visited her brother and he kept asking her if she was doing fine. She was getting tired of people asking her that.

She did another interview. Questions about her experiences on the Archon’s flagship and her injuries featured greatly in that.

She spoke about them as little as possible. The interview dragged on for far too long.  It was only when it ended she felt she could breathe again. Ryder never minded them before, but it was different this time.

Did the Archon’s flagship change her? What was different?

She didn’t know.

She should be the same Sara Ryder when her feet hit the Salarian ark as she was now. So why did she feel like this?

The previous times they were at Kadara, Ryder heard rumours of a drug called Oblivion. She didn’t know the full details of the damage that this drug caused. But everything she heard about it was very bad. It was a problem and someone needed to put a stop to it.

Reyes had secrets, that much was clear. But she understood. Trust came with time, and it is hard to spill all your secrets to someone you barely know. There were some things about her past she wouldn’t want others to know about as well. As long as Reyes didn’t lie to her about who he was she was okay with all the secrets.

* * *

“How are you feeling?” Lexi asked after she took a look at Ryder’s wound.

“Please stop asking me that. I’m ready to get out of here. I’m tired of not doing anything.”

They arrived at Kadara a few hours earlier and before Ryder could leave the Tempest, her wound needed to be checked again.

“I know,” Lexi eyed her.

“How does it look?” Ryder asked curiously. She hoped it was better. Though she could take a look at it if she wanted to, she didn’t have Lexi’s medical expertise to know how it was doing.

“It looks good,” Lexi said distractedly, her eyes never moving from the wound. “Hmm…I’ll just have to clean it and then you’re ready to go.”

“Then I need to come back tonight again?” Ryder’s dressing didn’t need to be changed as often anymore, just twice a day. There were no further complications. She still experienced pain but it was less than before. It wasn’t just her injury that caused it. Her condition played a big part as well.

 “No, next dressing change is tomorrow. But no heavy lifting.”

“You don’t have to remind me every time I’m here,” Ryder said.

“With you, I need to.”

* * *

“So what do you have?” Ryder asked.

Cora, Ryder, Liam, and Vetra were in the meeting room. Everyone except Ryder had spoken to Dr. Nakamoto.

“Dr. Nakamoto mentioned that he worked for Sloane,” Cora started.

“Oh?” That made Ryder curious. “But that changed?”

“Yes. They discovered a new type of medicine,” Liam went on.

“Wait,” Ryder said raising her hand. “What has this to do with Oblivion?” She focused her gaze on Cora’s, “Didn’t you say you have something on it?”

“Yes, but we’ll get to that,” Cora replied, “Liam?”

“Right,” Liam cleared his throat before continuing. “So apparently this medicine or more accurately drug can be addictive and causes hallucinations in large doses.”

Ryder nodded as she connected the dots, “A.K.A Oblivion.”

“That seems to be the case,” a hint of doubt creeping into Cora’s voice.

“But?” Ryder prompted when Cora kept silent.

“But what if he’s lying? You know how it is Ryder,” Cora said, “Every man for himself out here.”

“I heard some good things from him,” Vetra finally said. “He won’t lie about something like that.”

“You know him Vetra?” Ryder asked suspiciously.

“No. Just some things I heard from my contacts.” Vetra answered.

“Okay, but what if he’s telling the truth?” Cora suggested. “Or what if he wants to take over Oblivion, use the formula, and sell it for his own benefit?”

“You think that’s possible?” Ryder threw the question back.

“I think, we need to think of all the possibilities before making a decision,” Cora answered wisely.

Ryder wasn’t sure what to choose. Choices have consequences. She learned that the hard way.

What if she made the wrong one?

If she was honest with herself she had to admit she doubted herself before. But not like this. This was new.

Cora was right of course and that was what Ryder usually did. But their opinions mattered too and Ryder was interested in hearing them.

“Okay, so Dr. Nakamoto have a solution?” It was best that Ryder had all of the information before deciding what she should do.

“The only solution according to him,” only scepticism dripping from Cora’s voice, “is to steal the formula.”

It made sense why Cora was sceptical. This was a grey situation and grey complicated things. It made it harder to see the right choice.

“So what now?” Liam asked since no one knew what to do. “Do we steal the formula or not?”

 “It’s up to Ryder,” Cora answered before Ryder could speak.

From the looks of it, Liam was not sure what the right choice was. Vetra said the doctor wouldn’t lie implying she thought they should steal it. Cora was sceptical.  Ryder needed more information before making a choice.

Ryder nibbled at her lower lip, “Before we decide anything. It might be best if I speak to Reyes.”

* * *

 

“Have Lexi been complaining that you don’t eat enough?” Liam asked as Ryder got some nutrient paste out.

“Yes.”

Ryder lost her appetite since the Archon’s flagship. She only ate when she was hungry and lately, she either didn’t feel like eating or she didn’t get hungry that often. Which was exactly why Lexi was on her case.

Lexi had said her loss of appetite was one of her symptoms and that it was completely normal. But it didn’t feel normal to Ryder.

Liam switched on the coffee machine and the coffee machine filled the Galley with the most wonderful smell. Do you want some coff-,” Liam stopped himself, remembering that Ryder couldn’t drink coffee anymore. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “Sorry Ryder. Do you want some water?”

“Sure.”

5 minutes later Ryder was sitting at the table. Liam brought over his coffee and her water.

“Here you go,” he said when he placed her drink in front of her.

She took the first sip of the glass of water while he sat down. She eyed his coffee while both of them drank in silence. The coffee smelled so nice. She missed it.

 “What?” Liam asked. “You're staring at my mug like it’s the love of your life.”

It was. That’s how much she enjoyed coffee. She almost admitted it but instead she shook her head, “My head was somewhere else.” She placed her glass back on the table, “Are you ready to head out?”

“You made a decision?”

“No,” Ryder answered hesitantly. “But there’s other things that still needs to be done in the Badlands.

“Okay,” he stood up from his seat, “Whatever you say, Pathfinder.” Ryder heard his scepticism.

* * *

Ryder went to the med bay to speak to Lexi, but she found it empty. Coming out of the med bay she found Vetra and was pointed towards Engineering. Apparently, Lexi and Gill had something to discuss.

She took the elevator down and headed towards the Nomad. Lexi and Gill were talking next to it.

“Be there for your shot next time Gill,” Lexi ordered.

“Ryder,” Gill greeted as she approached, a smile appeared immediately on his lips. “What are you doing here? Weren’t you going to see your smuggler?”

“My smuggler?” Ryder snorted. “I just wanted to talk to Lexi.”

Lexi and Gill exchanged looks. “I’ll leave you two alone,” Gill said before moving in the direction of the elevator.

When Gill was taking the elevator, Ryder started, “Lexi I was won-“

“The answer is no,” Lexi interrupted her, crossing her arms over her chest.

A frown appeared on Ryder’s forehead, “You don’t know what I was going to ask.”

Lexi rubbed her chin, “Let me take a wild guess. You were going to ask something along the line of taking the Nomad and going into the Badlands.”

Ryder screwed her eyes shut and sighed. When she opened them there was no change in Lexi’s features. “How did you know that?”

“I know you better than you think Ryder.”

“I don’t have to drive. Someone else can,” Ryder almost flinched at her own words. No one drove the Nomad except for her.

“That’s not the best idea. And you cannot go into the field.”

“For how long?” Ryder asked in vain.

Lexi studied her up and down with her blue eyes, “It depends on your-“

“Condition. I know,” Ryder said. Anyone could hear from her tone how frustrated she was.

Ryder glanced about the room before settling on a couple of crates. She walked up to them. “If I can pick up one of these crates,” she jerked her head in their direction, “can I go then?”

“Ryder,” Lexi started, “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

Lexi didn’t try to stop her. She knew better, it wouldn’t have worked.

“I can do it,” Ryder said stubbornly, “Without my biotics.” She took a few deep breaths, feeling her own heart beating rapidly against her chest before picking one up. She bent to get a firm grip, her abdomen muscles started protest but not enough to hurt.  Her fingers curled around the edges of the crate, her muscles pulled further and started to hurt.  She gave it her all. She was sure she could do it. She wanted to prove Lexi wrong. It was a few centimetres from the ground. She thought that if she could just pick this one stupid crate up that she…

But she couldn’t. The pain was returning to her guts. She tried to hold it out, but she could only do it for so long. It burned. Her stomach wanted to tear itself from the inside out. Ryder couldn’t do it.  She could feel her biotics coming to life and before she could stop it she threw the crate biotically. The crate flew across the room and made contact with the wall. It was the first time she used her biotics in weeks. It was a relief, but only for so long until it was replaced with anger.

Ryder’s heart still slamming itself within her rib cage. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. “You are right,” she said slowly, softly between breaths. “I can’t do this. I can’t do anything!” Her own words startled her.  The truth came barrelling out of her mouth before she could stop them. It was ugly and unsightly but it was the truth.

“That’s not true,” Lexi approached her slowly. “Some things will just take time.”

That was the problem. Ryder wasn’t patient. She never was. Ryder opened her mouth to speak, but instead of words it was a low groan. Her hand pressed against her abs, a sharp pain slicing through her abdomen.

Lexi sighed, “Come with me. Let’s get you something for that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexi asked as they entered the med bay.

“I’m fine Lexi,” Ryder said as she sat on one of the beds.

“Do you want to tell the crate that?” Lexi asked as she handed Ryder two red pills and a glass of water.

Ryder glared at her, “It won’t happen again.”

She slammed the pills into her mouth and washed it with water down her throat.  She stood up, “Can I go?”

“Yes.”

* * *

Ryder stared the console that lead to the slums. Her hand hesitated to activate it.

She took a deep breath. Time moving slower until she activated the console.

When the elevator arrived her steps were slow but steady.

The nightclub sounded louder than usual, almost deafeningly so. She moved towards Reyes’ usual spot.

Just as she wanted to open the door via her omni-tool, an asari waitress walked out, leaving the door open for her.

They nodded to each other before trading spaces.

“Reyes,” Ryder greeted, “Are you busy?”

Reyes was leaning over a terminal, “I’m never too busy for you.” His eyes were focused on the terminal, not turning around when the words left his mouth.

“Oh, I feel so honoured,” Ryder said, a hint of playfulness in her tone.

She moved towards the light coloured couch and made herself comfortable.

A few moments later Reyes was done and he made his way over. “Is this business or pleasure?” he asked as he sat gently on the couch.

“Business of course,” she started to say, “I need to talk to you about Kadara’s drugs.” She eyed him carefully, watching his body language.

Reyes leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs, rubbing his hands together. 

“I take it you’re talking about Oblivion?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t it too soon for you to return to your job?” he inquired.

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him but decided not to ask. “I’m not cleared for active duty.” Her eyes did not leave him for a moment, “Not yet. Cora, Liam, and Vetra had a chat with Dr. Nakamoto.”

He nodded, seemingly distracted by his own thoughts.  “And what did he say?”

“He asked them to steal back his formula.”

“What’s the problem?” he asked, not seeing Ryder’s point.

“For starters, he could’ve lied. He wouldn’t be the first liar in Andromeda,” she frowned.  “But for all I know this drug will, in fact, be used as medicine. And help the people of Kadara and beyond.”

Ryder decided to keep the part where Cora was worried that Nakamoto uses Oblivion for herself.

Reyes thought for a moment before answering, “I see your concern, but Ryota is one of the only honest men on Kadara.” Ryder was sure he was serious, until he added, “Besides me, of course.”

Ryder raised an eyebrow, “Sure.”

“Besides, isn’t it more dangerous if it isn’t used as medicine? What damage do you think this drug will cause?”

Reyes had a point there, one she couldn’t ignore.

The awkward silence hung in the air for a few moments, “Alright. I see your point. My team will get the formula.”

Ryder just hoped this wasn’t a huge mistake.

“And Kadara will be safe once again.” Reyes launched his omni-tool. Ryder watched as the orange tech gave more colour to the room, “Do you want something to drink or are you leaving?”

She shrugged, “I have time to stay, but,” she stopped, looking down at her stomach, “nothing to drink,” she turned her gaze back to him, “thank you.”

He stared at her for a long time before eventually asking, “Is something wrong?”

Ryder looked down at her hands, they were shaking. She tried to hide it away by balling them into fists, “No, everything is fine.”

“Why are your hands shaking then?” he asked.

“It’s nothing,” she said as she was standing up. She was making ready to leave the room, but he stopped her.

She could feel the weight of his hands on her blue leather jacket. When she looked at him she saw he was holding her arms, keeping her in place. His eyes were searching for something. Answers she wasn’t willing to give.

She couldn’t stand the silence, so she decided to break it. “Reyes we can pretend that we know each other, but the truth is we don’t.” His gaze didn’t change as she spoke, and she couldn’t help but wonder why she felt slightly disappointed at that. “A few months ago we didn’t even know each other.”

She expected him to say something, but there was only silence. She could hear her own heartbeat. He looked at her, studied her. Then he leaned in and kissed her. His lips tasted like whiskey.

It was unexpected, but for the first time in weeks she felt free and happy. It made her forget of all the events of last couple of months. The Archon. The kett. Exaltation. Choices that she needed to make. All that mattered was the moment between them. 

But then she pulled away. Reyes kissing her was unexpected and although it made her forget for a moment, it wouldn’t change anything. The kiss might’ve startled her but she couldn’t admit it to anyone. Not even to herself. Because she wasn’t sure what it meant.

She stared at him, his eyes looked fixedly back at her. It felt like he could see what she was thinking. And she didn’t like that.

Ryder wanted to say something, anything really. The words failed to come, no matter how hard she tried. They kept gawking at each other, it felt like a lifetime.

Was it a lifetime for him too? Why didn’t he say anything?

Reyes was always so good with words. Ryder knew he could talk himself out of any situation.  Was this all a game to him?

“I have to go,” Ryder didn’t know what else to say.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” His voice was inviting but she couldn’t trust it.

“I have to go and take care of some things,” she lied.

The truth was for the first time in months, she didn’t know what was next. And that thought scared her.

Ryder might be back officially as the Pathfinder, but she wasn’t doing the full job anymore. Someone else was. It wasn’t like someone took over. Cora dealt with the field work and she dealt with the not so fun part of the Pathfinder reports.

Cora and the others were heading out to get the drug formula from the Badlands.

How long will it take before she can get out of there again?

“Alright,” he said unconvinced.

His tone unsettled her even more.

* * *

This day wasn’t turning out like Ryder thought it would. She didn’t know what she was thinking. Thinking everything would be back to normal. She lost it earlier. Throwing a crate. It was unlike her. Ryder had all this built up anger and she didn’t know where it came from.

No matter how much she tried to keep herself busy. To distract herself. It didn’t work.

Why would it?

Just as she thought the day couldn’t get any worse Peebee approached her hesitantly.

_It is time to face the music._

“Peebee,” it was the first word Ryder said to her since her injury.

Some people might say Ryder was cold towards her.

Peebee was the reason Ryder was still alive. Cora was right about that. But for Ryder it was about the principle. If there’s ever another situation like this one, and Peebee did the same thing, lives could be lost instead.

What if someone have died? What if everyone died?

Then Ryder’s choice to sacrifice herself would’ve been in vain.

“Ryder, you have a minute?” Peebee asked, looking as though she rather be in the mouth of an Eiroch than here. That meant one thing, Cora had spoken to Peebee.

Ryder sighed even as she searched for a way out. There wasn’t one. She needed to have this conversation with Peebee sooner or later. She rather it be now there was no point in delaying it. “Sure.”

“You’re mad at me,” Peebee started. It was a statement. And if Ryder was honest, she didn’t exactly hide it from Peebee.

“You didn’t follow orders,” Ryder said softly. Ryder felt like she rehearsed those words.  The more she thought about it, the more she realized it felt like a lie. She asked herself over and over again. Was Cora right? It was burned into her brain.

Peebee rolled her eyes, “This is useless,” she murmured under her breath. When she looked at Ryder again she had a look of defiance in her eyes.  It startled Ryder. “I won’t apologize for doing the right thing. Some orders needed to be disobeyed.”

And that was the truth, after all that’s what she did in the past. And that’s exactly what they were going to do when they depart for Meridian.

She was supposed to choose between the Krogans and the Salarian Pathfinder. She didn’t because she saw a better option. Ryder didn’t choose because she couldn’t. She wasn’t strong enough, she didn’t have the guts, so she didn’t.

Peebee was waiting for an answer. And Ryder knew she was wrong. It was time to admit it. “You’re right.”

“I knew this-“ Peebee stopped not believing what she was hearing as she gave Ryder a long hard look, “Wait what?”

“You were right for doing what you did. Thank you Peebee. I owe you my life,” Ryder said. The words felt raw.

“Sure,” Peebee said, sounding unsure of herself.

Ryder felt a weight coming off from her shoulders. She hadn’t realised how much she needed to make things right with Peebee. Not only for the sake of the Tempest. But for hers.

* * *

Ryder leaned against a railing. It was in a darkish corner. Behind her was a building that either looked shady or abandoned. But this was Kadara, who knew what lurked behind the unknown corners.

She was looking at her hands, they were shaking again. Or more accurately they were still shaking. She couldn’t handle a gun like this. Not even if she could get her hands on one. Maybe if they shook less?

She heard footsteps, instantly she knew it was Reyes.

“How did you know I would be here?” she asked without turning.

“Does it matter?” he asked as he approached her side, not even questioning how she knew it was him.

She shrugged, “Probably not.” It was starting to feel like Reyes knew exactly what went on in Kadara. It was weird…and very suspicious.

“When was the last time you ate?” his eyes shifted to her shaky hands. She balled them up into fists.

“That’s not why this is happening!” she spat. Her words sounded loud to her ears. Harsh even. “Sorry.” She was sure her apology sounded insincere.

“Then why?” he pressed. Reyes wasn’t one who would keep asking the same questions, especially with personal stuff. Did Reyes know more than he led on?

She sighed, looking at her hands as she rubbed them together before she started to tell the story to him. She left nothing out other than her personal problems with Cora and Peebee, her surgery and the fact that she couldn’t have children. The rest spewed from her lips like a flood, a never ending flood of pain and frustration.

The stone in her gut, the pressure against her chest, they were still too raw, too personal. And it was none of his business. Why should she tell him if it didn’t feel real to her yet?

“How are you coping with this?” he asked.

“The symptoms are fine, it”s-“

“I’m not talking about the symptoms,” he interrupted her.

“What else are you talking about?” she asked. Nothing else popped up into her head.

“The diet. Isn’t it something new to get used to?”

Ryder frowned. That wasn’t something she expected. “The diet?”

“Yeah, I’m sure the symptoms are unpleasant. But you needed to change your whole lifestyle.”

“It’s okay,” she started to answer him. “It’s just something to get used to.” She gave him a small smile, “I miss coffee though.”

They chuckled.

Ryder looked at him, she was glad she told him. It removed a weight between them. After their last conversation a wall formed between them. Now it was gone. 

“What is it?” Reyes’ voice distracted her from her thoughts.

If she was going to sit around doing nothing or be stuck filing reports she would go mad.

“Is there,” she looked around to see if anyone else was close. There wasn’t anyone, “an arena or something like that in the Port?”

A smirk was plastered on his face, “What are you planning?”

“Just answer the question.”

 “I don’t think you’re supposed to be training. Hmm…” Reyes hummed rubbing his chin, “I wonder what some of the others would do if they hear their dear Pathfinder asking such an interesting question.”

Ryder raised one eyebrow at him, challenging him, “No, you wouldn’t do that.”

“And how would you know?” he countered.

She gave him a cheeky smile, “Because you want to stay in my good books.”

Both had smiles plastered on their faces until Reyes broke it and his expression changed into a more serious one, “Are you sure that is the best idea right now?”

She started to pace, “Please Reyes I need this. I’m going crazy here.”

“What about your doctor?”

“They’ll never know.” Desperation was clear as daylight on her face, but she didn’t care.

Reyes studied her more deeply than he ever had before answering, “Alright. I’ll send you the location.”

“Just like that?” she looked at him sceptically.

“No, you’ll owe me a favour.”

Ryder looked at him, not sure if she’ll like this favour. But what’s the worst that could happen?

She must’ve given him a weird look because he continued, “Don’t worry. It won’t cost you,” he paused, stretching the silence, “much.”

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. When the past comes knocking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora) for betaing. You've been a huge help, especially with this chapter.

Sneaking out was something that Ryder hadn’t done in a while. More accurately, the last time she did was more than 600 years ago.

No matter what her reasons were back then, it was much more important now. Ryder knew one thing, she was never this close to going mad ever. It was like an itch that needed to be scratch. And tonight she’ll scratch that itch. Nothing would get in her way.

She had to make sure everyone was fast asleep. That meant she needed to wait till past midnight. She kept herself busy with reports. But the time to escape couldn’t come fast enough.

She couldn’t believe how much she was looking forward to training again.

It felt like years since she held a gun. Her index finger already pulling an imaginary trigger, her body buzzing with biotics and adrenaline, giving her a warm feeling inside.

When it was time, she made her way out, checking each corner. Walking past the crew quarters, she heard some loud snoring. It was probably Liam. Did he always snore that loudly? She couldn’t imagine it was Jaal’s snoring she heard.

“Where are you going so late?” a deep voice asked. That could only have come from Drack.

 _Dammit_ , clearly Ryder wasn’t as quiet as she thought.

“Drack,” she sighed. “Can’t sleep old man?”

“Nah, I can’t sleep.”

“Well, anyway good night.”

“The Pathfinder’s quarters is the other way,” Drack said as Ryder tried to sneak away.

“Yeah I know, I just-“

“Don’t lie to me kid,” Drack said. “If you don’t want to tell me that’s fine. You can keep your secrets.”

“Thanks,” Ryder hesitated. “There’s just something I need to do.” She owed Drack an explanation even if it was a vague one. “Just don’t tell anyone, okay?”

Drack gave her a deep and thoughtful look, “Sure.”

As soon as her feet stepped off the Tempest, Kadara’s cool wind hit her. Kadara was different at night.  She enjoyed the feeling of the wind. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The wind smelled like the freedom she has been yearning for so long.

The streets buzzed with people. It wasn’t empty like she thought it would be. She had an oversized hoodie on, with the hood pulled up. It was best that nobody recognized her.

During her time in Kadara she had seen its ugly parts. Sloane helped defeat the kett, but the more Ryder spent time on this planet the more she realized how bad things really were. Sloane might’ve have good intentions taking over Kadara, but the Sloane before the Nexus Uprising wasn’t the same person she was now.

Something changed her. She might not be the best ruler for Kadara.

The Charlatan might be good for Kadara. But…Ryder had her doubts about them too. She didn’t like the fact that they didn’t reveal themselves. Even the Collective didn’t know who they were working for. And that’s saying something.

Before she knew it, she was standing at the nav-point provided by Reyes. Everything about this place was so secretive and Ryder couldn’t help but love it.  She input the codes he provided and the door slid open.

Inside, the room was dark. She could barely see. At first, she thought she was alone until she spotted a figure at her right. He was leaning against a wall, his arms across his chest, eyes on his feet.

“How did you get in here?” the man asked without looking up from his feet. She wasn’t sure which faction he belonged to.

“Reyes Vidal sent me,” Ryder said as she pulled her hood down. The man looked up and as soon as he recognized her, a smile crept up the corner of his lips.

“Pathfinder, come in.”

He led her into a larger room. It was as big as a stadium. Which was strange. She never would’ve thought there was such a big arena in Kadara. It was round and most importantly it was more than enough to do what she wanted.

“I have something for you,” he said as he walked around a corner. When he came back, he handed her a duffle bag.

Inside were some clothes she could train in. “Reyes thought of everything,” she murmured “And they are all the right size too.” She was impressed as she pulled the clothes out.

“He made sure you have everything you need,” he said, “I’ll be at the back if you need me.” He signalled to his right.  “There’s a room you can change in.”

She nodded, but he had already left.

Not only were the clothes the right size but they were loose where they needed to be. But she couldn’t change as fast as she used to. It took her twice as long to change and when she emerged, she was panting, trying hard to catch her breath.

“Pathfinder,” SAM’s voice echoed in her head, “I advise against what you intend to do.”

“Shut up SAM I know what I’m doing.” She closed her eyes as she realized it wasn’t the best way to respond. “I’m sorry SAM. I just really need this right now okay? Just please don’t tell Lexi.”

Ryder told Lexi and SAM she’ll take things slow. But no matter how hard she’d tried, after sitting still for weeks she just couldn’t do it anymore.

“Yes Pathfinder.”

She started slow, playing with her biotics, forming a small blue ball. Then she went on, forming bigger ones and throwing them against a wall. They weren’t big enough to do any real damage. This was muscle memory. She performed it as easily as she did before.

She wanted to try something harder.

There were dummies lining the room, perfect targets for her biotics. She used a Throw on one of them. The dummy slammed against a wall, making a loud bang, denting the wall. It felt amazing using her biotics again. She had missed this.

She threw a Shockwave at the next dummy. It hid the wall as well, this time with more force.

But Charging the following one was another story. Just as she wanted to punch the dummy, both of her hands found their way to her stomach. The pain tore through her abs after she used her biotics. She lost her balance and fell.

Ryder tried her best to keep the groan in but it escaped without her permission. She clenched her teeth trying to look at her wound. Her new shirt were soaked red.

_That’s just great!_

Ryder heard footsteps and the man she greeted earlier appeared.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” she growled.

“Do you need help getting up?” he eyed her bloodied shirt.

“No, I can do it myself.” It took Ryder a few attempts before she succeeded. But when she was up, her abs screamed louder. She wished she had stayed on the ground. “Can I see myself out?” she asked.

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “Yeah, if you think that is best.”

Once she was outside, she leaned against the wall, panting, trying to catch her breath. Training wasn’t exactly the best idea she had. Of course SAM was right and she knew it at the time but she needed to try. She couldn't just do nothing. She stood there hunched over, hands trembling, feeling dizzy, wincing as waves of pain came over her. She groaned through the first few waves but stopped after either getting used to it or the pain lessened. She couldn't tell which.

* * *

Ryder was walking through a dark alley, trying to get back to the Tempest. Her abs hurt a little less now, having stopped bleeding.

She was getting an uneasy feeling. A few laughs echoed through the alley, probably from drunks. Two people exchanging something. Maybe drugs? She ignored them and turned into another street.

If anything else it was darker and quieter there. Lights flickered on before flickering out again. A shadow zipped by the corner of her eyes, the hairs on the back of her neck stood. Her breath quickened as her pulse picked up, suspicions nestled against her chest with every step.

“SAM,” Ryder spoke through their private channel to avoid suspicion, “is someone following me?”

There was silence. It went on for so long, Ryder’s breath hitched as her mouth went dry. Something was wrong

“I detect one heat signature near you. It seems someone is following you, yes.”

Relief warred with her anxiety over the stranger following her.

“Crap, that's not good.”

She regretted not having a weapon with her.  She tried to slip into a corner and get the upper hand, but it was too late for that.

“Hello Sara. Nice to see you again,” A voice came from behind.

She frowned, confusion settling in. She recognised the voice, a voice from her past. The name was on the tip of her tongue. But who the hell was this?

She turned around slowly, “I’m sorry. Do I know you from somewhere?”

There was a weak light at his right, she could barely see his face. He was human, with sandy blonde hair. She wasn’t close enough to guess at his eye colour, but it was hard to miss the angry red scar that ran downwards his cheekbone.

“Ouch Sara I’m hurt,” he mocked, his hand touching his chest.

She narrowed her eyes. Something about this didn’t feel right. And that gruff voice sounded so familiar. She frowned, trying to search her memories where she might've met him, but nothing came to mind.

_Where have I heard it before?_

“After all,” he continued, “You’re the one who gave me this scar.” His index finger ran along it.

She connected the dots. His scar. It was from an omni-blade, more specifically hers.

Blood drained from her face. Her heartbeat going faster. She had a sickening feeling in her stomach, and it had nothing to do with her injuries from before.

Memories of growing up with someone she trusted, someone she built a friendship with. She could’ve trusted him with anything. That is what he’s actions at first showed. But she was wrong. And his treachery had cut her to the core. No betrayal would even come close like his did.

“What’s wrong Sara? You looked like you’ve seen a ghost,” he chuckled. This was a joke to him.

“No,” she whispered. “This is not possible!” she stammered. “I… you died…there is no way…” She looked, really studied him, she could see it now. It was him. “I killed you! How are you even alive?”

“Next time you should make sure I’m dead,” he said. “How’s your brother doing? I heard he’s out of his coma.”

“How the hell do you know about that?” Ryder asked, balling her hands into fists, clenching her jaw, “If you-“

His skew smile interrupted her, “Just stop. You don’t have to worry.” He paused longer than necessary and the silence was deafening. She could hear her own heartbeat. He just stood there. It seemed like he was attempting to read her thoughts. Ryder unclenched and clenched her fists as the air filled with tension. “At least for now. I do have some friends in high places.”

“Yeah,” she looked at him skeptically, “you always had friends in the most unexpected places.”

He shrugged, “You know me, Ryder. You can trust me.”

Ryder chuckled and it sounded nervous even to her, “Is this a joke? After everything that you’ve done?!” Memories forced their way to her mind but she shook them off, “My biggest mistake was to trust you.” She shuddered at the thought. “I won’t make that mistake again”

“What if it wasn’t a mistake?”

She couldn’t believe her ears. “What do you want Morris?” she hated saying his name, but she needed to know why he was here. And most importantly she needed to know why now? Why was he in Andromeda?

“I wanted to see you, Pathfinder.”

“I feel so honoured,” she said sarcastically.

Ryder gritted her teeth and activated her barrier. With no armor, her biotics and omni-blade were the only weapons at her disposal. She needed every advantage she got if she wanted to get out of this alive.

“You’re going to lose Sara,” Morris warned.

“I’m not going down without a fight,” she yelled, throwing a shockwave in his direction.

“You’re bleeding Pathfinder,” SAM spoke.

“Am I?” Ryder breathed heavily, “I should’ve brought medi-gel with me.” She panted, sweat poured from her brow as her hands shook, her amp horribly hot against her head. She was outclassed and fear was clawing up her throat. She wasn’t a match for him before, and she was less of one now. Loathe as she was to run, she knew it’d be suicide to stay. “Can you do something about the pain?”

“One moment.” Immediately, she felt pain wash away.

Her tongue flicked over her dry lips, she growled low in her throat. She refused to lay down and die.

“SAM, is that the only way out?”

“Unfortunately so, Ryder.”

“Fine,” she muttered darkly. “Me and my stupid ideas.”

She shifted, head peeking out from the edge of the cover. Morris was grinning at her. One hand holding his pistol loosely, confident she was as toothless as she was before. She’d show him, she practically killed him before didn’t she?

“SAM, have you informed Cora?”

‘Yes, Pathfinder.”

“Tell her, I’m sorry for being stupid. And tell Lexi, she can scold me if I survive.”

“What do you intend to do, Pathfinder?”

“Something very stupid.”

 


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora) for betaing.

Ryder was in the med bay. If it wasn’t for her biotics, she probably wouldn’t have gotten out of there. She weighed her decisions and threw everything she had against Morris. To her surprise it worked and when she saw an opening, she ran.

She ran until her legs didn't want to anymore and her abs screamed.

Ryder left a blood trail as she walked the dirty streets of Kadara. She tried to move as quietly as she could, but she knew she wasn’t doing a good job.

It wasn’t long before she came upon Cora and Vetra.

Vetra pointed out, “You don’t look so good.”

“I’m just peachy.” She tried her best to hold back a groan.

“That was stupid Ryder,” Cora said and Ryder didn’t know if she was angry or not. Sometimes Ryder had difficulty reading her. “Lexi is going to kill you.”

“Yeah,” she was out of breath. “I know.”

Cora shot her a worried glance at her shirt. It was hard to miss the red stain that called for attention. “C’ mon we have to go.”

The nearer they got to the Tempest, the harder it was to walk. With every movement the pain shot through her abdomen. With every blink, her eyes wanted to stay closed. She refused to give in.

“We’re almost there,” SAM said as if reading her mind.

They arrived at the Tempest and from there everything went blurry. She remembered getting to the med bay, Cora and Vetra at her side. With each blink, darkness came, more time disappeared in-between. When she was on the bed she tried to fight it. But she couldn’t stay awake anymore.

* * *

Lexi had a very disapproving look when she looked at the wound.

“You’re mad, right?” She already knew the answer but asked nonetheless.

“Why would you go when I told you not to?” She stopped her work and looked at Ryder. “You knew the risks. This isn’t me punishing you. It’s for your own good.”

“I know. But I’m tired of doing nothing,” Ryder was annoyed and angry at herself. She should’ve been more careful. It was stupid. “I had to do something. Anything.”

“You’re not doing nothing,” Lexi corrected. “You’re doing reports. You’re back doing your job.”

“Not the full job. It’s just the part of my job that I hate the most,” Ryder admitted. “I love being out there, exploring.” She sighed, “Not much exploring here I’m afraid.”

Lexi went back to her work, “You’ll get there. You’re only hurting yourself by going out there before you’re ready. It takes time.”

“I’m sorry Lexi. Can I talk to Cora?” she asked when Lexi was done.

“Sure, she’s right outside.”

It didn’t take long for Cora’s head popped in the med bay.

“Did you tell her what happened?” Cora asked.

“No, not everything,” she admitted. “What about you? Do you want to know what happened?”

Cora considered before shaking her head slowly, “No, some things are better left in the past. And…” Cora studied Ryder carefully, trying to read her, “…I’m guessing this is one of those cases.”

Ryder let out an awkward laugh, “Yes you’re right about that.”

“Do you have any regrets?” Cora asked.

Cora was referring to the Archon’s flagship.  And for the first time, Ryder really thought about it. “I don’t know. A lot of good came out of this,” she answered, honest tasted different on her tongue.

“Some bad came out of it too.”

“Yeah,” Ryder felt a wave of guilt coming over her. “But that doesn’t matter. Everyone got out of there. That’s what’s important.”

Cora‘s nostrils flared and Ryder got ready to defend herself. “Ryder, do you want to know what I think?”

Ryder nodded.

“It sounds like you’re trying to convince someone else you’ve made the right choice. You’ve been trying to do it this whole time. And the truth is,” she looked down at her feet before continuing, “that someone is not me.”

Ryder blinked, “You’re saying I’m trying to convince myself? No!” She shook her head in denial.

Cora gave her a knowing smile, “It doesn’t make you a bad person if you regret your decision.”

“No, that’s selfish.”

“No,” Cora said softly. “That’s human. And it’s okay to be angry at what happened.” She sat on the bed, “Do you know how worried we all were?”

“It wasn’t that serious,” Ryder tried to brush it off.

“You don’t know how things were when you were unconscious.” When she didn’t say anything, Cora continued, “The Tempest didn’t move without you.” Cora gave her an unreadable smile, “We’re glad to have you back.”

Ryder swallowed the lump in her throat as Cora said, “I’ll leave you to rest,” and gave her hand a soft squeeze to which Ryder could only frown.

* * *

“I’m here for my checkup,” Ryder announced when she entered the med bay.

“Sit,” Lexi motioned to a bed. “The person who attacked you was Morris.”

Lexi must've overheard when she talked to Scott about it. Ryder felt Scott needed to know Morris was alive He was as surprised as she was.

Ryder closed her eyes and sighed. She knew Lexi’s questions would come sooner or later. She had just hoped it would be later, “Just ask the questions you want to know.”

“How do you know him?”

 _The best lies are based on truth, at least in part._ It’s something she had learned a long time ago.

“We grew up together.” Ryder started.

“On the Citadel?” Lexi asked. She knew Ryder’s background

“Yes,” she confirmed, “We went to school and graduated together.” She looked down, avoiding eye contact. “He betrayed me.” Her gaze returned to Lexi’s and she could see Lexi wanted more, “I’m not going to give you all the details.”

“I don’t expect that.”

“Long story short he was involved in something and I helped to stop it. I thought I killed him but apparently, I didn’t,” her words gave her an uneasy feeling. He shouldn’t have survived. How did he?

She was in the Alliance when it happened. It wasn't like she was unfamiliar with death, but killing someone whom she called a friend once was different.

“And he wants revenge?” Lexi asked. There was a hint of curiosity in her tone.

“I honestly don’t know what he wants.”

Lexi nodded and walked to her desk. She moved a couple of things, searching for something. After a couple of minutes, she stopped, “Alright, you can go.”

Ryder went to her quarters to be alone with her thoughts. She needed some time to think.

“Why did you lie to Dr. T’Perro?” SAM asked the one question Ryder hoped he wouldn’t ask.

“Because that’s one complicated story I don’t want to repeat.”

* * *

That was the question, wasn’t it? Was it worth it? Choosing both groups instead of the one.

If Ryder had chose one she’s not sure she could’ve lived with herself. She didn’t want to condemn a group to a fate worse than death. Would they have been tortured? The recordings she heard on the Archon’s flagship still rang in her ears. Who would she have even have chosen? It was an impossible choice.

In the end, everything was worth it. More lives were saved. She couldn’t have kids because of this. But she still didn’t know how she felt about that. Every time the subject was brought up, she got uneasy. It was something she didn’t want to talk about.

Her new conditions brought different problems too. She missed her coffee, she had to stop herself in the mornings not to go to galley. She was tired of being tired. However, things got better. Though Lexi still haven’t found the right drugs for her, the side effects were improving. She tried her best not to let the bad days influence her work. Unfortunately, she was still human.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The best lies are based on the truth, at least in part.” Is a quote by Cassandra Clare.
> 
> I have plans for going on with this series. At least for some sort of prequel going into the aspect of the flashback in Chapter 1 as well as a sequel.
> 
> Thank you for everyone that read, left kudos and commenting on this story. I really appreciate it! Thank you so much for [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora) for all your betaing. You've been an amazing help and I really appreciate it. Thank you for all your help and support. You're awesome. xD
> 
> I'm also on [ Tumblr ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/rpgwarrior4824). Feel free to come and say Hi.


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